Descent (Dysmorphia Series #2)

How To Regret

Eight months later:

Prison life hadn't taken long to adapt to, an early start in the morning, pacing round his cell for around two hours, another meal delivered, a walk in the yard then back up again to his cell to sit gazing at the chipped ceiling and wondering how everything had gone so very wrong, he hardly ever slept despite the sleeping tablets he'd been prescribed.

The nightmares were far too horrible to bear.

"Roberts, you have mail"

Stevens, a spotty thirty-year old banged unnecessarily loudly on the door, to annoy him Cole stayed lying on his bed for a few minutes, he knew who the letter was from but he didn't want to read it.

He'd had enough physiatrists notes and grievance counsellor essays to last him a life time, he knew what they thought he didn't know, that he was still grieving and accepted full guilt for his parents deaths.

He trudged over to the door and opened the flap, Stevens practically threw the letter in his face before tutting and walking along the corridor shouting out the name of another prisoner.

There was something different about this letter, the envelope was made from thicker paper, and the scrawl on the front brought back a memory in his mind, transfixed Cole tore open the envelope and began to read.

Cole,

There is so much to say brother, but so little time, I've been putting this off for months and months but by the time you read this the unavoidable will have already happened, I always thought of you as cowardly when you were swept up into the wrong crowd and allowed yourself to be led astray but in reality, I'm the coward.

There's no easy way to say this, I'm weak even as I write this I have cancer Cole, Hodgkins Lymphoma to be exact, I found out not long after I saw you for the last time, I thought I could get it under control, I moved to a town called Phillipson, I don't know if your familiar with it, I stayed at a specialist cancer clinic named Oakwood and for a while I could be ordinary, I could even go to school.

But my condition worsened and I ended up having to permanently stay at the clinic, where I am right now.

There are no words I can give you right now to express my sorrow at the words I spoke to you the last time I saw you, I was full of anger and guilt at myself so I turned around and threw it all back at you, in reality I should have been home, I could sense something was wrong the weekend I left, but still I want.

Don't feel guilty, don't ever blame yourself for what happened, I am deeply sorry for the words I chose to hurl at you that day and if you were standing in front of me right now I would feel nothing but love for you, Cole your my brother and nothing can ever change that, Dr Levi believes that I have very little time left so I need you to know this.

I'm going to send you someone, someone special to me to be there for you once your released, her name is Florence and I have every faith that she can accomplish the task that I failed at, I wish with every fibre of my being that I could be the one to greet you outside those prison gates, but fate hasn't smiled upon me.

I've told Florence that her job is to come and greet you at the prison, to take you to my apartment and try to fix you, but the trouble is Cole I don't think you need fixing, your incredibly strong, brave and intelligent, I've always admired these traits in you. 

But she will need fixing, I took the cowards route out of my problems, I haven't told her even now that I'm in a critical condition, she's going to be angry, she's going to be upset, she's probably going to have her fair share of insults to throw at you but I need you to do this one job for me.

Make Florence believe that your broken, she was once broken and I think she's getting on her way to being fixed, but she needs someone to help her along the way, by making her think you need her to help she'll go to the end of the world to help you.

You have no reason to regard anything I say to you, you might still hate me but I beg you to at least try, Florence will need you when I'm gone, and I have a feeling you'll need her too.

My parting words to you are written with hope, hope that even though I'll be gone the two of you will have each other, and if I ever see Mum and Dad up there where I'm going I know we'll all be looking down at you with pride in our eyes, you weren't to blame Cole, never think you were.

Love,

Chase

Cole rocked back and forth clutching at his head, he couldn't believe what he'd just read, for months he believed Chase despised him, that he was the last person in the world he would want to see.

And now this.

Did he have to lose every single person he cared about without fail?

The black ink of the letter was being smudged by his tears, he quickly folded it up, if what the letter said was true, this was the last fragment he had of Chase, his brother, his better half.

Grief hit him like a truck, all that time he'd wasted hating his brother, being jealous of him and now he had no one to direct his feelings towards, his constant companion, his mirror image was gone this piece of paper in his hand was the only thing connecting him to his best friend.

He took deep shuddering breaths, he wouldn't allow himself to sink as low into his grief as he had with his parents, Chase had given him a dying wish and he would do anything to fulfil his brother's request, in giving him this letter Chase had freed him from shackles he didn't even know he had on, absolved him of his guilt.

His love for his brother would allow him to help this girl, whoever she was.

He unfolded the letter and read it three more times.

He would help save Florence Clarke.