Saudade // c.h.

twenty-four

twenty-four

(listening to last kiss by taylor swift while reading this chapter makes it 10 times better)

 

               I stared anxiously at my front door, biting at the edges of my nails, awaiting Calum’s arrival. I felt the anxiety inside of me build up as time moved along.  I could feel my heart ferociously beating against my chest, with a great piercing pain following it. I came to stop and stared at the door as it swung open, revealing Calum at the door way, staring at me with his hands slumped down on both sides of him.

“Calum?” I breathed out, walking towards him as his stare trailed down to the floor. “Look at me please,” I said, raising his chin up with the tips of my fingers. Calum whipped his tears stained cheeks and walked past me, towards the kitchen.

He stopped for a moment and turned on his heel and walked back towards me, stopping at a close enough distance. “Are you okay?” I went on, my eyes giving him a piercing look, begging for an answer.

“No,” Calum breathed out, staring at me as his lips trembled.

I wanted to walk towards him and hug him and tell him everything would be okay and that we were okay, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.

I just stood there- completely silent, with no sound daring to escape from my mouth.

Calum took a deep breath and looked up to me, with a pained look in his eyes before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a necklace. He sighed and walked towards me, pressing his lips against mine, surprising me for a brief moment before pulling away and motioning for me to turn around.

I nodded and pulled my hair onto one side of my neck as Calum reached over and pressed his lips against the back of my neck before attaching the necklace onto my neck and pressing his chest against my back, wrapping his arms around me as I stared down at the necklace.

It was a pebble, carved into a heart.

“I found it and carved it into a necklace,” Calum began, “so the heart falls where your chest is. So a piece of me is a piece of the piece of the beach and falls just where it needs to be and rests-peacefully, so you just need to breathe to feel my heart against yours.”

I pressed my eyes shut and gently felt my finger against the smooth pebble.

“Why are you sorry?” I asked hesitantly, setting Calum off for a moment.
Calum stood silent for a moment, resting his head against my shoulder, without speaking.

“I did something-stupid,” Calum said, “something you don’t deserve. So I need to ask you to do something for me, something that will help this.

“What?” I breathed out.

“Leave me,” Calum said.

My heart dropped.

“What?” I repeated, pulling myself away from Calum, my back facing him.

“Find someone better,” Calum went on, “someone who won’t hurt you like I do. Someone who can keep you safe, I can’t do those things, Fay.”

“Yes you can,” I choked out, tears brimming the corners of my eyes.

Calum looked at me, as he ran his fingers through his hair. “No, I can’t.”

“Calum-“ I said, shaking my head, “you can’t come into my life so suddenly and just leave, like its nothing, you can’t expect me to move on just by telling me too.”

“I know,” Calum sighed, “I shouldn’t do that-but it’s the only thing I can do.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I snapped, turning to face him as tears fled from my eyes in a rush. “You can’t make me.”

“If you don’t-“ he said hesitantly, “I have to.”

“You never loved me,” I mumbled under my breath, “you told me you loved me.”

Calum furrowed his eyebrows together in a knot before walking towards me, “whoever it is out there that you find next can care for you better than me, but I swear nobody will ever love you as much as me.”

I whipped the smudged make from below the corner of my eyes and shook my head, trying to adjust to this all.

“please don’t go,” I said as Calum walked towards me and wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his chest, burying my face into his soft sweater. Calum took another deep breath as picked me up into his arms as I continued to cry and walked over to my bedroom, not a word escaping his mouth.

I looked up into his eyes as soft sobs escaped my mouth.

He was crying.

But of course I didn’t say anything. Because I was angry and upset and frustrated about everything. Everything was all just happening to fast. Everything I never wanted to happen. Yesterday, Calum and I were sharing a moment I would never forget and today Calum and I were sharing another moment I would never forget-but these two moments were different. They were so different.

“Just breathe,” Calum said laying me onto my bed as he laid down next to me, “breathe.”

“I can’t breathe, not without you.” I said, trembling on every word.

“Yes you can,” Calum said.

I closed my eyes and tried to let everything escape my mind. I tried so hard, but nothing worked. I felt as Calum slid off the bed and pressed his lips against my temple. “I love you so much,” he whispered into my ear.

And then he left, closing the door behind him. And I watched him. And not once did I tell him that he shouldn’t be driving with so much in my mind. I just let him go because I knew there was nothing I could do. I knew I couldn’t get him back.

I listened closely as the front door shut and I tried to stand up and run to him and bring him back and tell him that he’s the only thing I need. But I couldn’t because as soon as I heard that door close, everything inside my dropped and I collapsed to my knees, but I didn’t cry, I couldn’t.

Because there was nothing left of me.

No emotion, no nothing. It was like everything inside of me had finally snapped and all I could do was sit there on my knees and breathe, feeling the necklace lay softly against my chest as I inhaled and exhaled slowly.

I was broken a broken little girl and Calum was the only thing keeping me together. But he was gone. And so was I.

+

Hours had passed since Calum had gone and I couldn’t think right, all I could do was sit there on the couch, pressing my knees against my chest.

As every minute came by, I could feel Calum forgetting me slowly. I wanted to ask his friends if he was okay and to make sure he wasn’t as ruined as I already was.

I didn’t know how to be something he missed.

I could plan for a change in weather and time, but I never planned on him changing his mind.

And although he was gone, and I didn’t know where he would be going. I just wished that something would remind him that he wished he had stayed and that I could think that everything was okay.

But it wasn’t.

+

yes I quoted ed sheeran, yes I quoted taylor swift, yes this chapter sucks ass and I’m really sorry and I wish I could be a better writer but im not because idk. But heres an update, enjoy, comment, vote. aye, love you guys, thanks for 9k reads.