Saudade // c.h.

twenty-six

twenty-six

 

           Secretes. I hate having them kept from me, but I also hate keeping them from other people. It has always been a belief of mine that people deserve to know what they need to know. What happened between me and Annette was something Calum deserved to know and if there was any way I could tell him, I would.

“He needs to know,” I told Emma as she sat across from me at the dining table with one leg pulled under her and a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Then tell him,” she said, taking a sip from her princess mug she had purchased from Disney land the year before.

“He won’t answer my calls, he won’t answer my texts, he won’t tell me where he is-how can I tell him?” I asked, running my hands in my hair frustration.

“Just because he doesn’t call back doesn’t mean that he doesn’t listen to your voice mails,” Emma said, “Fay, that boy missed you more than anything in the world and I know it. I know that he would just kill to hear your voice one last time and those messages are the closest thing he can get to hearing you talk again.”

I considered Emma’s assumption before nodding, “that still doesn’t add up to how I can tell him.”

“Leave him a message,” Emma said, “tell him everything-he’s going to hear it. And so what if he gets pissed about it? What is he going to do? Leave?”

I sighed and nodded again, “I feel like spilling everything through a stupid voice mail is a cowardly thing to do.”

“Well not spilling anything is even more cowardly,” Emma shrugged, “so what’s it going to be? Tell him or not?”

I stared down at my hands that were folded in my land and pressed my lips into a straight line.
“Do you think he’ll call back?”

Emma sighed and looked at me with a sympathetic look washed over her face, “Fay, I want you to be happy more than anything in the world and it kills me to see you in this much pain. With all due respect, I’m going to be honest with you because I don’t want you to get hurt again. I don’t think he’s going to call back, but I also think that’s good because that kid has done nothing good for you.”

“I stopped seeing Annette when he came,” I said, thinking back at all my dreadful hallucinations of her.

“But you also stopped seeing them when he left,” Emma said, “you’re going to find somebody better and you’re going to be happy, Fay. All you have to do is let go of him and keep moving forward.”

I sighed, trying my hardest to keep back the tears brimming in the corners of my eyes. “I miss him so much.”

“I do too,” Emma nodded, “but I also miss you.”

I looked up at Emma and whipped the edges of my eyes as she stood up from her chair and walked past me, “you have a choice, Fay. You can move on or you can hold on.”

+

The sound of the phone dialing echoed through my ears as I kept the phone pressed against my ears.

“Hey it’s Calum, sorry I’m not here right now, leave a message.”

I took a deep breath and began to speak through the phone as my voice stuttered, “Hi Cal, its Fay. I miss you, but that’s not why I’m calling you. I’ve been keeping something from you for a long time now, and every day that passes that you don’t know it hurts me even more and I know this is a pathetic way to tell you but right now, it’s the only way. I think you’ve noticed that in the past I tended to be crazy and have nervous break downs and act like I belonged in a mental hospital. Well that’s true, I did. But there’s also a reason behind that to why. I promised I’d tell you, so now here I am telling you. I was there when Annette died-I saw everything and I swear to god I tried to stop her, but I couldn’t and I’m so sorry and if I could go back and just get to her a little quicker, I would. You weren’t the only one who lost her, Cal. I lost her too and I guess the only reason I didn’t want to tell you was because I couldn’t risk losing you too, but I guess that’s too late now. I love you. I need you. Come back.”

I dropped the phone down on my bed, pressing the end call as quick as I could. I was a coward-a pathetic coward who was selfish enough to keep something from someone, so they wouldn't loose them. I never thought about how Calum would react to the news because all I knew was that I would react worse. I was awful. I made mistakes. But I was human. And that's what we're supposed to do.  Mess up. It's only in our blood and I only couldn't help it. But I should've. Because as a human, I've made an awful amount of mistakes.

I felt my heart pound against my chest as my phone began to vibrate against my mattress but sighed when I looked down to see the caller ID was only Hailey calling.

I picked up the phone and swiped my finger against the screen, rejecting the call due to the fact that I was in no mood to rant about whether Calum was coming back or not. It was so difficult getting around with Emma and Hailey considering that they both had different perspectives on Calum.

Hailey was so focused on telling me that he would come back and all I needed to do was wait, but Emma was so fixed up on the thought of me being sad that she didn't care if Calum came back or not. She just wanted me to be happy and I loved her for that but I felt like she put so much pressure on me to get rid of Calum and move on and as much as I know she's right, I didn't want to get rid of Calum.

He was the painful figure in my life that held me together and I guess that it was just the idea of his presence that held me together in one piece without collapsing to the ground in tears.

I wanted him to be safe and happy, despite my painful emotions to get him back. If leaving me was what kept him alive, then so be it. I just needed him, whether it was with me or not.

+

this was a short and stupid little chapter that sucked really bad, but it was just a filler before I finally get things going again. ugh i actually really miss calum tbh. why did he have to leaveeeeee x 

thanks for 12k reads btw, this is unbelievable.