Saudade // c.h.

twenty-seven

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-2015 me lmao

twenty-seven

Goodbyes. I've never specifically enjoyed encountering them, but they were just something everyone had to come across at one point in their lives. All kinds of goodbyes are awful. But the worst kinds are the ones that are said for the last time, the ones that are never to be said again because they were no ways to say them again.

I heard a soft knock on my door and sat up straight and still on my bed pulling my covers a further up my body and pressing them against myself tightly as Emma appeared in the doorway.

"Ashton is coming over," she informed me as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the wall. "Okay, yeah." I nodded as I sank back down in the bed.

"I'm worried, Fay." Emma sighed, "You haven't left the house in a week."

"Do I still have to get a job?" I said, smiling weakly at Emma as she chuckled and shook her head slightly. "Not until you're ready," she said smiling weakly as she approached me and sat down on the corner of my bed, resting her hand on my bare ankles over the blanket.

"Is there any way I can get you out of the house?" Emma questioned.

"Bring Calum back," I sighed, my lip trembling at the thought of his presence.

Emma pressed her lips into a thin line and sighed staring down at her lap, "I'll try my hardest, kid."

I nodded and thanked her as a soft knocking sound came from the door as it opened, revealing Ashton at the door way wearing a dull red t-shirt and black sweatpants with his white converse and his hair planted messily on his head.

"Ashton, are you okay?" Emma said standing up and walking slowly towards him as I closely observed his tear stained cheeks and blood red eyes.

He had been crying.

"Oh god," I said under my breath as I stood up from my bed, Ashton walking slowly towards me.

"Fay," Ashton breathed out, as he raised his head and stared into my eyes as my lips trembled.

"Cal's mom got a call from the hospital this morning," he went on, "they found him unconscious in a motel room all by himself in his bed-he's gone."

I felt everything inside me drop and a large lump form in my throat. A pounding formed in my head and I felt like my vision was blurring and all my surroundings were closing up on me and without any sudden warning I collapsed to my knees. But I didn't cry-no, I screamed. I pressed my hands up against either side of my ears and screamed with everything I had inside me, rocking back and forth in panic. I got up from the ground and looked up at Ashton sobbing in the palm of his hands and Emma staring at the floor in disbelief with tears stroking the corners of her eyes.

I felt as if I needed to escape from everything, so I ran and I ran out of my room and out of our apartment, slamming the door behind me with Emma's voice echoing my name behind me. I ran down the apartment stairs and kept running until I was out of the building. But I didn't stop there-I just kept running, I didn't know where I was going, all I knew was I was getting out of there.

I sprinted down the pavement sidewalk as tears bolted down my cheeks, burning them with piercing pains and kept running, sweat trickling down my forehead despite the fact that it was 60 degrees. I couldn't stop running-I didn't know how-I just kept going until I found myself at the café. It was nearly eleven at night so the streets were deserted and empty. I turned towards the corner of a brick wall and lent forward, breathing out heavily gagging myself up and vomited. Then I screamed and then vomited again.

I sobbed endlessly and crawled away from the pile of puke and leant my back against a wall and screamed without stopping for a breath of air and then cried and vomited again. I didn't feel sadness or grief or pain. I felt numb. Like nothing was real and that my life was all just a big dream and that nothing that had just happened actually happened.

I couldn't help but feel like this was all fake. Like Calum was still alive, laughing, and living a wonderful life and that were still in love and that he was still here with me and that Ashton was lying because he had to be.

Calum wasn't dead. Calum was alive. Calum wasn't dead. Calum was alive. Calum wasn't dead. Calum was alive. He had to be. He had to be. He had to be. This was all just a big practical joke that the boys were playing on me and when I would go back home Calum would be waiting there for me and he would hug me and kiss me and everything would be better and everybody would be happy because god a dammit, Calum would be here and he would be breathing and he would be alive and I would be okay.

And suddenly, I knew it. I had really lost Calum. I would never hear his voice tell me he loves me ever again, and I would never hear his sweet little laugh that he let out at the most random times, and I would never see the way his eyes brightened up at the mention of his favorite bands, and I would never get to hear his voice say my name, and I would never see him. Because he was gone and I couldn't save him.

I rocked back and forth, sobbing with great sound to myself and cried and just cried like nothing even mattered because my life had just disappeared in front of me. And doing what any person who just their love would do, I pulled out my phone and dialed Calum's number listening closely to the paining, long dialing tone sound go on just reminding me that he was never going to pick up and he was never going to answer my calls again. And then there it was-it was his voice. His sweet, loving voice that I cared for so much that spoke softly into my ears.

"Hey it's Calum; sorry I'm not here right now. Leave a message."

And then the beeping sound came but I stayed silent, listening to the endless sound of complete and utter silence that filled the line. And then I hung up because I couldn't talk even if I wanted to because I had no choice of words.

I pressed my hand against the heart pebble necklace that laid on my chest and clutched it tightly in the palm of my hand as I repeated his words, "now a piece of me is a piece of the beach and you just need to breathe to feel my heart against yours now."

And then I cried again and breathed heavier and clutched on tighter to the necklace and stared up at the sky, looking at every diamond star that was spread across it and every single one reminded me of Calum because he was my star and I just knew that by looking up at the sky, I was looking up at him and he was staring right back down smiling his stupidly wonderful little smile that brightened up everything inside of me.

"Breathe," I reminded myself, "just breathe and he'll be back right down with me, with his heart pressed against mine."

Just don't forget to breathe.

+

I actually cried while writing this chapter, holy shit. I know it wasn't very well written but now I hate myself for writing it, WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I already miss cal ugh x :(

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