Angel (Jahseh Onfroy/ Xxxtentacion Fic)

27

(I'm prolly gonna have a lot of misstakes bc im writing this hit completely hamered but like, maybe not bc im gonna edit and hit and ion know wha im writing anymore tbh don't down half a bottle of jack daniels my boys PSA. Edit, what the fuck did I fucking write?)

I am alone. I am completely, utterly, and undeniably alone. I'm always alone. I will never not be, either.

Jahseh hasn't talked to me since I told him two days ago and I don't think he ever will again. I can't blame him. I'm a shitty, terrible, awful human being. I don't deserve him.

Why did I think it would be a good idea to tell him? It was the past. It didn't even matter. Him knowing wouldn't change anything. How stupid can I get? I mean, god damn.

"You good, niglet?" Stokely asked me. I nodded and smiled.

"Yeah! Yeah, totally. How are you feeling?" I asked him.

"I'm feelin' chill, I guess. Ion know." He shrugged.

"Alright. Do the bruises still hurt?" I asked. 

"Nigga, I ain't feel pain." He laughed. I shook my head. 

"I'm sure." I chuckled, leaning my head on my hand. 

"Are you really okay though?" He asked me. I eyed him. 

"I said I was, Stokely." 

"Look, I know we aren't super duper close and shit, but I have known you for a while, and I know you ain't aight." 

"Stokely! I said I was fine!" I snapped. Immediately, I felt really bad. It's not his fault that I can't keep a relationship. "I'm sorry."

"It's... whatever, Teddy." He sighed, walking into his room. I groaned and let my head hang down. 

I can't hold on to a single person. I can never make anybody stay. I try so hard but I always end up pushing away the people I care about and I don't know why. I'm awful. People can't stand to be around me. I am absolutely disgusting.

---

"Teddy!" Stokely yelled. I put my phone down and got out of my bed with a sigh. I don't want to do anything. 

"What?" I asked, opening the door. I saw Stokely sitting on the couch next to Isaiah, Pump, and... Jahseh? Jahseh looked at me and looked away. 

"We're going to the studio. Don't wait up. Leave the latch down." Stokely instructed.

"Alright." I said with a shrug. 

"Love you, Teddy." Stokely said, grabbing his shit. Jahseh's eyes didn't leave me. I rolled my eyes in an exaggerated fashion, as a way of telling him to stop. 

"Mhm." I said, going back into my room. 

---

"Hey!" I greeted Jenifer, Lizzy, Jordan, and Xander as they walked through the door. I figured I would invite some people instead over instead of just being sad and alone.

"Sup bitch?" Jenifer laughed, hugging me. 

"You look absolutely stunning." Xander complimented, embracing me. I blushed and smiled.

"As do you." I replied, trying to copy his accent. He chuckled and shook his head. 

"You Americans should stick to your current tone." He said in a joking tone. I laughed and we all sat down on the couch. Xander sat next to me. No, I was not into him. He just... makes me nervous when he's around. He's so nice and so mysterious. 

"So, Amira, how's your boy?" Jordan asked. 

"I wouldn't know." I said quickly, looking at my lap. 

"Oh, honey..." Lizzy sighed. I rolled my eyes. 

"I invited you guys so we'd have fun, not mope." I laughed.

"That's fair." Jenifer said. "So, my baby bought me a car."

"Of course he did. That nigga trippin' over you like-" Lizzy began.

"Let her enjoy her fucking car!" Jordan squealed. 

"Alright, alright." Lizzy laughed.

"Oh my god, tell Amira about that one guy you met yesterday." Jenifer said. Lizzy made an excited face and slapped her hands on her legs. 

"Oh my fucking god!" She laughed. "Get this. Me and Jenifer were out drinking and this nigga fucking asked for Jenifer's number-"

I don't care. 

Truthfully, I don't. I can't find myself being able to not think about Jahseh. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's fucking impossible. I love him. I didn't ever think I did, but when I'm not with him, I know I love him. I know I need him. But he doesn't want me. He doesn't love me. Maybe he just wanted to say that he screwed me. Or maybe he felt bad for me. 

"Earth to Mimi!" Jordan exclaimed abruptly, moving his hands up and down to get my attention. 

"What?" I asked, a small laugh in my voice. 

"We asked if you wanted to hit up a bar this weekend." 

"Why not?" I laughed.

"That's the spirit! You can get white girl wasted and meet a hottie." Jordan said, wiggling his brows. 

"She's taken, Jordy." Xander said, eyeing him. 

"Alright. What about you?" Jordan asked winking in Xander's direction. Xander scoffed and shook his head. 

"You're fucking weird." He laughed at Jordan. I laughed too. Xander looked up at me briefly, our eyes meeting. His eyes were like molten chocolate. Beautiful and full of life. Just. Like. Jahseh's. Why couldn't I ever fucking forget him? He was on my mind twenty four seven.

"You need to keep it in your pants." I laughed, looking at Jordan. 

"The beast cannot be tamed, baby girl."

"Ew!" Jenifer squealed. 

"Honestly though, the man has said worse." Lizzy said. 

"True! Remember that one time he tried to get with Stokely." Jenifer laughed. I grinned and nodded. 

"Honestly, Stokely was about to fucking punch you. Why would you just grab his fucking ass?" I laughed. 

"I do it to everyone! It's my thing!" Jordan argued. 

"Molesting strangers shouldn't be your thing!" Xander argued. 

"The boy has a point." I said. 

"I can't help that I'm fucking unique." 

"You're definitely something." Jenifer laughed. 

"Indeed I am." Jordan said, winking. 

"Are you alright?" Xander asked me lowly, as if he wanted no one but me to hear. I nodded. 

"Yeah." I whispered. 

"I think you're lying." He whispered back. In a louder tone, he asked "Hey, can you show me the bathroom?"

"Uh, sure?" I agreed, my words sounding more like a question than a statement. We stood up and I walked to the bathroom before being pulled in by Xander and having the doors close behind us. 

"Can you tell me what's really wrong?" He asked. 

"I said nothing." I assured him. "And isn't it kind of weird to whisk a stranger into a bathroom?"

"What if... we go somewhere for breakfast tomorrow, platonically, and you tell me what you're comfortable with telling me so you can get it off of your chest and I can know that my friend is safe." he suggested. I felt a grin rise to my face, but I refused to let it show. 

"I don't-," I began, about to reject him. "I don't think that would be a bad idea."

He smiled, his brilliant white teeth and glowing skin making him look beautiful and lively. He was beautiful and lively. Just not as beautiful as Jahseh.

"I will pick you up at ten." He said, smiling at me. 

"And I will be waiting."