So I Might Be a Vampire - Book 1 (Original Version)

21: Friends of Bob

Here's another thing nobody ever tells you: you can't cut off connections to your old life, and most of all, you really want to tell someone what's happened to you. It's this huge fucking secret you're carrying around with you all the time, and it's such a lonely existence that you begin to need to tell someone. Especially if it helps you to reconcile with yourself that you are in fact actually a vampire.

***

It wasn't until the fifth Thursday that we started talking about our experiences. By that time, we'd had a third guy join us after two weeks of revolving characters. Benjamin was a bit of a mousy looking dude and had found us on Craigslist, and based on his attitude and shyness we weren't quite sure if he even was a vampire, but he had the eyes. He also enjoyed the books as much as we did, so we let him stay. There had also been this skinny but tough looking girl named Natalie, who had swung by the last Thursday, but we weren't sure if she was going to come back. She'd liked the comic books but wasn't completely sold on having to go through a porn and headshop to get to the meeting.

"Told you," Sammy had said, and I had glared at her.

"Oh shut up."

Benjamin had been waiting nervously in the store that Thursday and from the embarrassed look on his face, Sammy had been torturing the poor guy.

"What did you do to him? Ben, what did she do to you?"

"I think he's too sweet to be hanging out with you bozos," Sammy had said from around the lollipop she was sucking on. In the context of the store, this was an act of pure evil, but she made it seem so innocent.

"Aww we love you too Sammy," Frankie had grinned easily, apparently immune to Sammy's charms. He had thrown a protective arm around Benjamin's shoulders and guided him towards the stairs.

"It's okay Ben, we won't let the bad woman get you," I said, and Sammy shot me the double-bird as we headed up the stairs.

"The thing I really don't understand is the whole stake through the heart thing." This was later, and Frankie was looking for a new book in my meagre collection of secondhand novels and comic books. He seemed more restless than usual.

"What do you mean?"

"Well doesn't that work on ordinary people too? They say that it's the sure-fire way to kill a vampire: just drive a wooden stake through his heart, but dude, you do that to anybody, and they're definitely going to stop living."

"I personally blame the movies myself. They just start making all of this shit up that doesn't make sense at all. Like the whole mirror thing."

"Actually, I was kinda looking forward to the mirror thing. That was a bit of a disappointment."

"It's always a shame when basic physics ignores the stories. It's not like we're transparent, so why the hell should the most basic principles of physics ignore that for a stupid mirror trick? And don't get me started on flying. Did you guys try to fly? I know you did, cuz I sure as hell tried."

"Yeah." Frankie blushed. "I broke both my legs." A thought occurred to him. "My doctor was a vampire, and she wasn't too impressed."

"Blonde Doctor? Swedish name?"

"Yeah! You got her too?"

"Made me want to never go back there, so I guess she's effective."

We cracked up for a bit both of us, then Benjamin chimed in.

"I tried to turn into bats first. Spent all day trying to do that, but when that failed, I jumped off of a building downtown. They had a dumpster, so I figured it would at least break my fall, but some idiot had thrown some metal into the dumpster. I ended up impaling my leg because of some inconsiderate jerk. You're not supposed to throw that kind of trash into dumpsters, and there I was, impaled on it. It took me hours to get off of it and then I had to sleep for two days before I was able to walk again." He looked at us with pain in his eyes. "That's the one thing that nobody tells us. They don't tell you how much it hurts. Sure you heal eventually, but while it's doing that, it hurts... so... bad." Benjamin looked at us, lost in his memory of pain. "Why doesn't anybody warn us?"

Something was bothering me about something Benjamin had said.

"Did you mean turn into bats, like multiple little bats, or just one big bat? Cuz I wasn't clear on that." Frankie shrugged at my expression.

Benjamin looked a little embarrassed. "I meant bats. You see it in the movies all the time. Vampire turns into a big cloud of little bats. Bats."

"Pretty fucking stupid now you think of it, yeah?" Frankie said, and Benjamin gave him the finger.

We were silent for a long moment then, each of us wrapped up in our own memories. Benjamin was staring solemnly at the floor. It was a long time before anyone spoke again.

"She never got a chance to tell me anything you know. I barely knew what was going on at the time, I was so fucked up, and by the time I had a clue, she was already gone. No clues, no warning... Nothing really except a whole lot of confusion. Sometimes I wonder if I'd had some kind of warning, maybe, just maybe I would have stood a chance..."

I hadn't even meant to say that much, but there I was in the middle of the room that was our refuge from our own reality, and the words came tumbling out, surprising me as much as anyone else.

And at that moment, we all knew that everything had changed.

Vampires Anonymous had finally gotten off to start.

********************

AUTHOR' S NOTE: 

Question of the Day: Breakfast food. Is it the most perfect food or what? You gotta have the bacon, am I right?

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