So I Might Be a Vampire - Book 1 (Original Version)

71: Not Cool Man

Lesson number two in stalking your ex-girlfriend? Don't do anything stupid.

I hadn't planned on doing anything stupid, abysmally or otherwise. I'd actually planned to take Jeremy's good but unsolicited advice and get the fuck out of there. I was even in the act of getting off my ass and thinking about trying to catch the last train over to the west end before I had to eat the cost of an Uber. I was going to get out of there—

But...

Yeah, go ahead and gloat. You knew it was coming.

Let me break it down for you so you can picture it properly. The door at the top of the stairs that led to Jaime's kitchen slammed open with some force and all I could hear was yelling from inside the apartment, before Jaime shoved her way through the door, pausing only to yell back into the apartment.

"Well FUCK YOU TOO!"

Jaime slammed the door behind her and stomped down the stairs, the screen door slowly wheezing shut behind her as if making sure she was gone before it dared to close. Jaime stomped over to the single chair in front of the mural, simultaneously pulling her coat shut over her mismatched pyjamas and patting the pockets as if looking for something. She found the glass pipe she was looking for and just stared at it for a long moment, clearly wondering if it was what she really needed right then.

As for me, I had frozen into place in front of the mural, suddenly too terrified to run and hoping like hell that I would just appear to be another one of the painted figures on the wall. After all, it was dark and if she went through with it, Jaime was about to be stoned, so there was a fairly good chance I could pull this off, right?

Jaime found the lighter and raised it to the pipe—

I have no idea what happened. I swear I didn't make a sound, didn't make any sudden moves, but Jaime had whipped around to look at the mural, a bemused look on her face, then—

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

The glass pipe hit me square between the eyes and I yelped, more surprised my ex-girlfriend, and now way more bruised and concussed. She had scrambled backward, ready to run even as she threw the pipe at me, but now she paused, something clicking in her brain that this wasn't some ordinary lurker waiting to assault her.

"Bob?" she asked incredulously and I raised my hand, thrilling at the fact that she was using my name and for the first time in a long time it hadn't been preceded with a "fuck you" or "you asshole".

"Please don't throw anything else at me," I said. "I don't think my head can take the beating and your aim is deadly."

"Fuck you Bob!"

Ahh, there it was, like music to my ears.

"Just so you know, this isn't what it looks like."

Jaime just raised her eyebrow and I winced, accepting how caught and especially how guilty I was.

"Okay, fine, it is what it looks like, but it's just not as bad as it looks. I mean, I was literally just leaving, but then you came out... please don't do that..."

That was my reaction to Jaime pulling out her phone and dialling very deliberately.

"Why is it that everytime I see you, it instantly goes to you yelling at me—"

"You're on my roof in the middle of the night! Buy a fucking clue, Bob! I don't want to talk to you!"

"Maybe one more time for clarity?" Yes, I was being a jackass, but it's a defense thing and almost guaranteed at least one tiny smile. At least normally.