So I Might Be a Vampire - Book 1 (Original Version)

4: A Little Bite

If you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting in a dive bar killing time before going to meet Claude at the diner, I would have definitely believed you, because that's an entirely reasonable thing. If you'd told me that I was going to be a vampire at the time, I would have just asked you to give me some of whatever you were smoking.

If you'd happened to mention that a few months before that, I would be spending my last night as a full-fledged member of the human species in the backseat of my Honda POS (literally means "Piece of Shit", but you already knew that), between the legs of a woman I'd only met ten minutes before, I might not have been able to stop laughing at you and your tomfoolery. If you also mentioned that said drunken chick was going to take a bite out of my neck in the throes of passion or whatever, I might have looked at you in all earnestness and asked what anyone normally would after this entirely odd conversation: "So is that how I became a vampire? And by the way, about those winning lottery numbers..."

You would have possibly run away cackling like a maniac. Past-you isn't very stable in my imagination.

Past-me was just as clueless as anybody else would be and due to that general cluelessness, would be getting it all wrong.

So just imagine for a second, me in all of my ignorance and the sudden shock of being bitten on the neck mid-coitus. I imagine for a male praying mantis it would be business as usual and if I had indeed been one, nothing would have interrupted me at the moment. Since I wasn't a praying mantis and instead just your regular average twenty-nine year old named Bob, I was definitely thrown off my stride.

"You bit me!" I gasped. "I can't believe you bit me!"

Her answer was to try to bite me again, and she was laughing while she did. I couldn't even remember the chick's name, Gloria or maybe Gladys or some shit like that. It wasn't important at the time, knowing her name, but that's a common theme with me. I suck with names anyway. All that mattered at that moment was that I hadn't had sex in three months, and this chick had been hot for me from the first time I bumped into her at the bar.

I had managed to spill my Vodka Seven all over my shirt and had been mourning the loss since I was extremely broke at the time and had just spent my last five dollars on said drink... which was now soaking into the front of my shirt. If I could have reached, I probably would have been trying to lick my shirt just to get a taste of some of that ever-so-important alcohol that just might give me a little buzz. The alcohol levels in my blood were dangerously low and I feared slipping into a coma of sheer depression.

"Did I do that?" She had asked, and I had nodded, already in mourning.

"Yep. That's alcohol abuse you know, spilling it like that."

"I can think of a much better use for it myself. Let me buy you another one to make up for it."

"I think I will let you do that," I said, and took a good look at her then, but my immediate attention was drawn to her generous cleavage which made it hard to look her directly in the eye. She was around forty and sure of herself. You could see it in the way she carried herself, especially with a rack like hers. Her ample curves spoke volumes to me in a sexy, husky voice that made a lie out of her decidedly corporate wear. Good God, the woman rocked a knee-length skirt like I've never experienced before or since. I managed to get all this in one glance at her and tried my best not to stutter. "Can't let you go around committing mortal sins like that," I managed and then almost kicked myself, but she smiled, charmed.

"Well, what kinds of sin should I be committing then?"

"The non-mortal kinds?" I grinned and shrugged. "I dunno. It sounded wittier in my head than it did coming out of my mouth."