Legitimately Us ||H.S||

Chapter 21

"Chasing the stars and finding my dreams. I promise, I'm safer here than I ever was there.

Jayde"

Although Harry had stopped texting me after letting his previous texts go unanswered, I felt bad for making him worry about my whereabouts and if I was safe, I decided to write that one small blog post so that he could stop wondering. I didn't give him any clue as to where I am, but he would know that I'm out there, somewhere, at least. I sat on the curb in front of the gas station, and I stared at the screen for what felt like a long time before I hit the post button. It was a strange feeling signing it with my name at the end instead of Girl_Disconnected. But there was something in me that felt it was important to let Harry know that message was purely for him and no one else.

It's now past sunset. I drove for hours and listened to loud music, hoping it would drown out any thoughts I was thinking. It didn't. Instead I was wondering how I could tell him I was safe without having to text him. A text would make it seem like I was willing to talk to him. Which I'm not.

I thought about calling Anne, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. And I didn't want to put it on her to tell her son that I had talked to her and not him. That just seemed strange to me. I know I don't by any means have to tell him anything at all. He doesn't need to know that I'm okay. In fact, I know that it's a little odd that I even felt the need to say anything to him at all no matter how I did it. He didn't need to know that I'm safe or not. But, for some reason, it makes me feel better.

And that's when it hit me. I have done nothing but think about him since I left Seattle. Since I read his blog this morning. It can't be that way. Despite the fact I'm moving forward in the sense that I have driven my car multiple miles today, everything inside of me has went backwards. I decide that's going to be the end of it. I allow for this one time ordeal be the only time I have contact with him, otherwise I'll just be stuck forever.

And so, I get back in my car and drive. I find a place to park by the river for a place to sleep for the night and I stare out my windshield at the view. It's pretty. The small city on the other side lighting up and the reflections cast into the water in front of me. But nothing inside of me feels it the way I want to.

The tears come fast. My eyes shut tightly and the entirety of my body shakes in one hard intake of breath.  I hate the way everything happened. I hate how I feel about it all. How I'm just a shell of a person with negativity pouring through me with each breath I take. I'm tired. I'm exhausted, trying to function properly. The screaming inside of my head never goes away and I can't stand the sound anymore.

I just want a few moments of solitude. Some time where things might actually look positive for once. But at this particular space in time, the thoughts are too loud. It doesn't matter at the moment that mom and I had time to clear the air because every single hurtful thing she's ever said to me flies through my thoughts and take over, along with every single pathetic remark Maddy had ever made under her breath that I overheard. Chelsea's words. And Rachel's. And dad's. 

They all come at me at once. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts. And I have no escape. And I have no stars. Just a city reflection on the water that just isn't good enough to take away this pain. Because as much as I'm feeling, I don't want to. I don't want to feel any of it.

But I do. And even though I promised myself that the small blog post I had written, would be the last for a while, I find myself getting out of the car and moving myself to the back seat, slamming the doors in frustration and flinging open my laptop.

I know that the only thing that will help me right now, is to write. It's all I have left.

"So many times I have said I was lost, but it doesn't even begin to come close to how I'm feeling right now. And I don't mean that in the literal sense. I know exactly where I am and have an idea as to where I'm headed. I mean it in the sense that I have no clue as to where my emotions are. I feel broken and all over the place, ripped apart in all the wrong places and sometimes I find it hard to breathe.

Like at this very moment. I can't breathe.

I may have already done one thing right. But that doesn't mean I feel any closer to the ultimate goal on this quest I've given myself. I wonder if I ever will. Feel closer. Feel like I've done the right thing. Feel like this was ever the right thing to do.

The stars, I haven't seen them shine the way I usually do. And maybe that's why I feel lost. I've lost the one comfort I've been accustomed to having. I want to believe that they'll meet me in a place I was supposed to find and they'll give me all the answers I've set out to find.

But something tells me it'll never be that easy. And I need for the moment, to let it all go. For the next little while, discover the things inside of me and really feel them and let them out. Be completely alone with the road. 

No stars. No words. No people  to depend on. Just me, the open road and my thoughts.

I've depended on people, escapes and the stars for so long, I wonder if I'm capable of doing it all on my own. I know that in order to grow, it's what I need to do. But it's so damn hard. It's hard not knowing how to deal with shit by yourself. It's hard not knowing if you're strong enough to devour the truth on your own. But I know for the sake of everything that's inside of me, for the sake of letting it all go, I need for the first time to feel everything. Alone. I need to learn to be strong without everything I've depended on.

And only then will I ever know what's right.

I need to feel it all. The way I've escaped it every chance I could. Without an escape, I'll be forced to feel it. And I will. I'll get through it, no matter how hard it is. No matter how many roads I have to travel alone. I don't care if I have to cry a thousand tears and feel rock bottom's jagged edges just to work myself through it.

I have been through hell and back, and I know there's nothing I can't get through. I just need to do it alone for the first time. It's the ultimate test. One that, with everything I am, hope I can pass.

Right now, at this very moment, I don't feel like I can do it. I feel weaker than ever before. Powerless in a mind full of negative energy. It makes it easy to just want to give up and go home and find everything that helped me before. I wish I could.

Running away from everything has proved to be everything I never thought it to be. I tried to tell myself that I was on a journey to find myself, but I see the truth now. I know that I've just run away from everything I couldn't deal with anymore. I'm such a coward. I can't face my problems head on, so I fucking ran away from them all.

I was never as strong as I ever thought I was. In fact, this just makes me realize how pathetically weak I am. How fucking sad is that?

Girl_Disconnected"

A/N: A short update for ya! Thanks so much for 27.2K Reads, 3.4K Votes and so so many awesome comments! You continue to make me smile so much!

Much Love,
amberlove

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