Legitimately Us ||H.S||

Chapter 48

Reading Harry's blog post made me cry. I had to read it a few times to fully grasp onto why he left and each time, his words were harder to read. The realization that he just packed up his stuff so quickly and left without saying goodbye, blew my mind.

He thought that him being gone would ultimately make me choose either him or school. I didn't like that he was giving me this ultimatum. We could have easily waited for more acceptance letters and went to a school we both got into. Instead, because he didn't get into the one I vocalized about wanting to go to the most, he felt like I wouldn't be happy going anywhere else even if I was with him.

It broke my heart knowing he felt so strongly about this, enough to just walk away, or I guess in this case, fly away. He apologized so many times for not being good enough to get into the school of my choice, when in reality, California was just a place. And while I missed it there, and the friends I had made, my dream to learn to help kids like me, could be learned from any school.

As slow as the time ticked on, my sadness grew to anger. The tears stopped and my heart pounded in my chest with rage. How could he have ever thought his deciding to leave, was best for us or for me? I know that he wanted me to choose on my own, but I thought we were a team. I thought we decided we'd choose everything together, now that we were in an actual relationship.

He had made sure I accepted his wanting to be his girlfriend so that I wouldn't just walk away again, and he did just that, even with this commitment I made to him. How hypocritical of him. This thought alone made me more mad.

By the time Anne got home, I couldn't keep my feelings inside, especially because she wasn't at work at all like mom said she was. She drove her son to the airport. She took him to the place that would legitimately take him away from me as if she was on his side about this.

It was the first time I felt like she wasn't team Jayde. For all the times she had put my feelings first, I was unsure as to how I thought about this. I will always understand that no matter what, Harry will always come first in her eyes, but she had always been on my side when it came to him. Why didn't she talk him out of it this time? Surely she couldn't have thought this idea of his was a good one?

I screamed, I yelled, I cried, to no one in particular. My mom and Anne watching me pace across the living room floor in a heated moment I can't even remember all that I said. I just know that I was a mess and apparently wanted the world to know that I wasn't about to keep it bottled up this time.

My life has always been about choosing something, whether my decision was meant to be good for me or not. I chose to stay living in my house to make sure mom was okay. I chose to be part of its brokenness and live in fear. I chose to sleep with Harry even though that's not who I thought I was and I chose to be friends with Maddy no matter how crappy she treated me.

The decisions will ultimately never go away. Life is always about choosing one path or another, each path taking you to new levels of the life you want to have. Some of the decisions I made in the past may have not been the right choice, but they all made me who I am now. The choice to run away and go on a journey to find myself. The choice for it to end with Harry, so that it wouldn't just be legitimately me anymore, it would be legitimately us.

And I needed it to be Us.

Harry was always my end game. And I knew from the second I read his blog post what my decision was going to be, despite how upset it made me or how angry I became just thinking about it. He would always be my answer. No matter how many time we've hurt each other in the past, no matter where life took us or what path we were on, even if he made a choice I don't agree on with him, I know by now that everything he does, is for me somehow. To make my life better and to make sure I'm happy.