Legitimately Us ||H.S||

Chapter 22

"Jayde,

I miss you. There have been times that I have went to your house in hopes that you would be there. I climbed the ladder and looked into your bedroom, only to find it empty. Each and every time this happened, I could feel my heart break even more than previous times. Our memories would flash inside my mind. I could see you sitting at the windowsill reluctant to let me in despite the fact I was in the pouring rain. I could see you wearing my t-shirt as we brushed our teeth in your bathroom. I could see you and the way you looked at me with your bright blue eyes.

That's one thing I always loved about you. Your eyes. It didn't matter how you were feeling, your eyes were still brighter than the sky on a sunny day. And that was the most beautiful thing. The light in you never went dull.

I want you to remember how strong you are, Jayde. I want you to know that there's no doubt in my mind that you will get where you need to go and you will find what you're looking for. You don't need the stars or escapes. All you need to do, is know that the answers are already inside you. They're in your heart.

Follow your heart.

I know that being strong is hard sometimes. I know that when everything has shattered inside of you, it can be impossible to know how to fix it. I know you have felt an abundance of pain, had your heart broken multiple times, made wishes that never came true and cried so many tears you thought the dreariness of a cloud followed you around. But I have seen the sunlight in your eyes. I have witnessed firsthand your effervescence. I know that there is so much inside you waiting to pour through those broken parts and the light will shine through so bright, it will be beautiful. 

Because the ones who have been broken are the most beautiful. It does something to them. It makes them kinder. More gentle. More passionate and subdued. We can empathize and be compassionate and love in a way that others can't. 

You're already beautiful. And I miss you.

Forever yours,
Harry"

It took everything in me not to press my finger on the notification of Harry's blog post. But I didn't. I swiped it across the screen of my phone, simply removing it from view and I haven't thought about it for days.

It's been a week since I wrote my last blog post. Since the night I cried so hard in the back of my car, wrapped up in blankets and fell asleep, tears stained to my face. It wasn't the last time I allowed myself to feel that much. In fact, I have had to pull over to the side of the road multiple times because I couldn't see through the blurriness my tears caused.

After finally allowing myself to feel something and to cry and let it all out, I have been a mess. The tears come in random spurts, the pain in my heart, hurts. And I'm not sure how I feel about the distance from everything I know as I get further away. It's hard, realizing this is what I always wanted, because there is a loneliness about it that I've never experienced before.

I used to love being alone. But now, understanding that I can't just climb down a ladder and cross a backyard to someone's house when I want to, is making me realize how important friendships are. I knew all along how important it was for me to have Carter all these years, but I didn't see just how important it was for my sanity, especially now that I've allowed for myself to feel everything at once.

I've allowed for myself to text a few times with Carter and with Kate to let them know that I'm okay. Of course, I lie through my fingertips about how not okay I really am. I don't tell them that emotionally I've hit rock bottom in a way I never have before, but as long as they know I'm alive, I think that's all that matters.