Summer Letters

Epilogue

Lena, 

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt any of our friends. I felt devastated, guilty, and broken after Luna's death. Every time I looked at any of you I saw Luna. I couldn't sit at the same table without thinking of her or talk to you without thinking of all the amazing times we shared. I told myself I would apologize and come back to everyone when I had a chance to grieve. Then I looked over at the table and realized the others must have felt the same way too because we all left you and Jensen. I felt terrible but it didn't feel as terrible as Luna's death. I didn't realize until a few days before graduation that I made the wrong decision. I sacrificed a fun, sappy graduation with my friends because I refused to deal with my feelings about Luna's death. I avoided anything that reminded me of her instead of facing them and moving on. I felt too ashamed to go to you guys then and apologize. I figured I already made my decision and I had to live with it. I looked over at you during graduation a few times and noticed the others never came around either. I cried my eyes out when they showed Luna's picture and made her an honorary graduate in her memory.

I went to college the way I planned and it felt better at first. I had a fresh start and I didn't have to think about Luna, but I still did. I wondered if she would approve of the choices I made and if she would be happy for me. I knew she wouldn't be. I smiled bigger than I had in months when I received your wedding invitation. I am so happy that you two worked out. My first instinct was to go to the wedding. I knew I needed to set aside my feelings and go. You two deserve more than anyone to end up together and I wanted to be there to see it, but I chickened out at the last minute and did not send the RSVP.

I know it has been five years since I talked to you and five years is a long time to wait to do this, but this is the first time that I have had enough courage to do it. You two graduated college and are in law school and I am so proud that you two are going after your biggest dreams. If anyone can handle the challenges that come with life, it's you two. However, I also feel a little jealous. I dropped out of college. I did not like the subjects and no matter how many classes I took I did not feel good at anything. Now I work at a coffee shop because it was the only job I could get when I got back home. Everything went downhill for me when Luna died. I am great at giving advice and helping others through their problems, but I am terrible at handling my own. That's why I never talked about my home life at Burmingham either.

I am not telling you this so you will feel bad for me and automatically feel like you have to accept my apology. I am saying this because you and Jensen deserve some kind of explanation. It is not fair that you lost your friends because we had a hard time grieving over Luna. We should have stuck together. Maybe we would all be doing better by now. You and Jensen handled it the right way. I did not. So for that, I am so sorry.

I hope you do accept my apology. I miss your friendship. I miss Jensen too, and Alfonso and Sebastian. I want to get back to making healthy decisions for my life. When I thought about it, I needed to start with my friends because they deserved better. I've also sent letters to Alfonso and Sebastian. I hope you would not mind a mini high school reunion soon. Late Congratulations on the wedding, too. I know things are probably going amazing for the both of you.

From, Marlene