Intrusive

v

Vanquishing myself from the confinement of my mind, I come to the creek to sit and write.

As I go through page after page, I realize that I am documenting my growth as an individual, as a human being, and as a wandering spirit.

I am documenting my beliefs and my faith as I roam to escape these intrusive thoughts. They expect me to surrender to them, but I can't allow myself to do that. Every book I read tells me that I can't. Every book tells me to believe in the greater being and to love myself unconditionally.

So why am I unable to stop these thoughts?

Why am I unable to do these tasks that these authors seem to find so simple?

I open up my journal to one of the emptier pages, seeing that it only contained a few doodles and notes from a time where I was suffering from a lack of body confidence with a twisted view of my body image. I tapped the tip of the pen on the corner of the page, regretfully reading through my past work. I shuddered, suffocating the thoughts before they could come to suffocate me.

I started on a fresh line of paper, anxiously tapping my pen as I thought of what I could write to summarize my feelings. It was difficult when you never had the words to explain anything, bringing you to feel frustrated not only with yourself, but the world and everything around you.

This was when I found that I was straying farthest from my faith. I was mad at the world for how it could impart this wrongdoing and torture onto me and so many other people in this world. I always knew that I was never alone, but it sure did feel like I was.

I wrote these exact words on the pages, putting tiny rips into the page to signify my anger and frustration. I sighed unhappily, my eyes returning to the bank and I watched the creek continue to ebb and flow as if there wasn't a single disruption in the world. I sketched what my eyes saw before me, my shaking hand aiding me in this drawing perfectly.

I chewed on the cap of my pen, my teeth grinding as I waited for these thoughts to pass. I wouldn't allow myself to stand until they had left.

Sure, it wouldn't be for good, but I was more than grateful for a temporary fix.