Intrusive

o

Over the course of the next hour, I took my time to read through my study journal.

Although my black composition notebook was very close and sincere to my heart, I find that my studies give me a new type of strength and motivation that is almost indescribable.

This separation of thoughts and ideas gave me a type of organization that I valued in my life. My black composition notebook was a swarm of my thoughts of every type of emotion, words scribbled onto the page to the point of illegibility.

My studies, although equally important, were structured and neat, as though as I was offering my best foot forward in an attempt to prove that I had my life under control. It was as though I was presenting my better half to the religious community and my higher Savior, even though He knew me at both my best and my worst. He knew everything about me, even when I didn't know it myself.

I still do not understand why I have to hide my true self; the part of me that wakes up with a matted-up tangle in my hair, the tears streaming down my face as I awaken from a nightmare and splash the cool water down my face as it gently kisses my neck. He knows of these struggles.

These things that I so desperately try to hide are known by Him, so there is no reason for me to lie to Him. I know that I should be openly honest but overcoming my lack in self-confidence has been the thing that has held me back all of these years.

I sat there for a moment, staring at the notes in my lap as my studies fell further into the crease. I chewed the cap of my pen, asking myself why it wasn't as simple as it should have been.

I began writing outside the lines, my neat penmanship fading as I covered the entirety of the page with my thoughts. The ink was staining my hand, bleeding gently into the fibrous pages of my studies.

My journals were combining before my eyes, and I didn't particularly care.

I didn't stop until my mind went blank. My pen had died, the page was filled with ink, and I was unable to comprehend another line of text.

I took the time to observe my surroundings, the gentle breeze carrying through my hair as the soft lull of the water filled my ears.

I wanted to go further.