Southside Boy

A Kiss Goodnight

As I drive back home I can't help but think of what might have happened if Jughead hadn't of come home.
Would FP and I be in his bedroom right now? Or would I have stopped it before it could go to far? In my head I like to believe I would've stopped it, but in my heart I know I wouldn't have.
I arrive at the register and grab the folder containing all the information needed. I feel relieved to know Hal isn't here. I sit down at my desk and begin writing the article. It only takes me about an hour or so, with the proper information it doesn't take long. Had I used Hal's information, well, I'd be there all night. As soon as it's done I send it off to the publisher.
Driving home I think of an excuse as to why it took me so long to write the article. I come up with a believable story, hoping Hal won't still be in a mood and I won't have to use my story.
I unlock the door and walk in. I don't see anyone, neither Betty nor Hal are in sight. I lock the front door and drop my purse and keys on the table.
I walk upstairs and look in Betty's room, she's not there, where is she? I pass by Polly's room and an all too familiar feeling hits me, guilt. We haven't spoken since she went to the Sisters. I don't like to talk about it either, but with everything that's happened today I can't help but feel guiltier than usual.
I open the door to my bedroom and see Hal sitting on the bed.
"I didn't know you were home." I say, visibly shocked.
"I didn't even here you come in, I'm sorry." I nod and put my coat in the closet.
"Where's Betty?"
"Veronica's, she staying over."
"Alright. I finished the article by the way. I sent it to the publisher so it's set to make the rounds in the next issue of the paper, it's a little late but should be fine."
"Don't worry about it." He says and I turn to him a little confused.
"What do you mean, 'don't worry about it', Hal. You were so hell bent on getting that article written and published and now you're telling me not to worry about it?" He can tell I'm upset by the tone of my voice. And when he stands up to quickly I flinch. He looks devastated.
"Alice... I'm not going to hurt you." He walks over to me, slower this time, not wanting to scare me. And as his arms wrap around me I breakdown, sobbing against his chest.
Part of the reason is because of everything that happened to day, the article, the way he grabbed me so hard he left marks. But the other reason is because of everything that happened with FP, and the realization that Hal isn't and never will be, FP.
"Shhh, it's okay..." He runs his fingers through my hair. "What happened?" He asks and I finally look up at him.
"Today happened. Every single thing that happened today is just really taking a toll on me."
"Oh honey... I know you've been stressed out lately, what with the whole Polly situation and the newspaper, I know it's all been really stressful. And I know I didn't help make it any easier, and I'm sorry about that."
"I hate when you get like that." I step away from him, trying to distance myself for a moment so I can try to seriously talk to him. "I hate when you get so angry your only instinct is to hurt me."
"I hate it too."
"Then change!" I yell, thankful for once that Betty isn't home. "Or else I'm taking Betty and I'm leaving." I threaten, even though I know it's a lie. I've thought about it so many times, but I can never really do it. He's hurt me much worse than this but I still never left. I just can't for some reason, and I really hate myself for it. The only thing that would truly make me leave is if he hurt one of our girls, that'd be it. But I know, the love he has for our girls is much stronger than any instinct he has ever had.
He takes a step towards me and places his finger under my chin, tilting it upwards so we're face to face. "I'm going to be better. I don't want to lose you, or Betty. I've already lost Polly, I can't lose you two as well." It takes all the power in me not to breakdown again as he mentions Polly. We haven't lost her, she just needs time, if it were completely up to me she wouldn't be there. But I don't make the final decisions, Hal does.
I just nod, it's the only response I have. He hugs me tightly, and I think we both know it's what I need at the moment. He kisses me, and I forget everything for the time being. He always does that. Somehow manages to make me forget he ever hurt me, or did wrong. I don't know how he does it, he's like a a drug. A drug that erases my memory for a certain amount of time.
A drug I can't find the strength to quit.
As he slowly leads him and I over to the bed I'm in a completely disoriented stage. I expected to come home and fight with Hal, not have sex with him. But alas, here I am.
*
Hal is asleep beside me, but me, I can't sleep. I've been staring out the window for who knows how long. Thinking about everything, but mainly what he is doing. And almost as if on cue, there's a knock on the door.
It must be Betty. I stand up and put on my robe. I open the door quietly, not wanting to wake Hal. I creep down the steps and to the front door. I unlock it and open it, expecting to see Betty but instead I see FP. He has a slight smile that slowly turns to a disappointed frown once he looks at me.
"FP, what are you doing here?"
"Well I came to see if you were okay, I was worried about you coming home to him. Clearly you're fine." He says annoyed as he looks me up and down. The robe and my messy hair gave it away.
"FP he's my husband..."
"He's also a man who hurts you all the time and has done so for years." He runs his hand over his face, clearly frustrated. "I was worried about you, I didn't know what he'd do to you when you got home so I came over as soon as Jughead went to bed. I expected to come here and see you and we'd talk about everything, I didn't expect to come here and see you like this."
"Believe me this was the last thing I expected to happen when I got home. I expected to walk in and have him yell at me, but we talked and-"
"Oh you talked? Was this before or after you had sex with him?"
"That's not fair!"
"What's not fair Alice? Me actually caring about you and coming to check on you because I was scared your husband was going to beat you?" He takes a second, trying his best to keep his composure, but I know it's killing him deep inside. It's killing me too. "Or is it not fair that I care more about you than your husband ever has?" He and I both knows he's right.
"FP I-" I start but he shakes his head.
"Look I have to go, I can't be here right now." His words cut me like knives and I watch as he starts walking away.
"Wait!" I say desperately, and before I know it his lips are on mine. He kisses me and it feels like we're the only two people here. It wasn't slow and soft, but it wasn't hard and rough either, it was just two completely shattered people sharing a passionate moment in the dark of night.
"FP..." I say as I pull away, instantly regretting it as his lips leave mine.
He doesn't even wait for me to finish my sentence. He thinks he knows what I'm going to say, that we need to stop because Hal is upstairs. But that's not what I was going to say at all.
I was going to tell him to take me home, whether it be his arms, his bed, his truck, I didn't care. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to make love to me, I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms because that's the only place I ever truly felt safe.
But I don't say a word.
And I hate myself for it as I watch him get in his truck and drive away.