K'hat'n'dlawa

Reflection

Amanda stared at the article displayed on her PADD, her elbows propped up on the tiny kitchen table, her fingers massaging her temples in a vain attempt to make the forming headache go away.

The day before- mere hours before Sarek showed up on her doorstep- she had been heading onto campus for her seminar. When she got off the shuttle at her usual stop, it was to find a woman waiting for her. She had told her that she worked for a local e-news center, which featured a column on celebrity relationships every Saturday. She had then proceeded to take pictures of Amanda as she walked away from her- and she had bombarded her with questions. Personal questions- she even dared to ask if a Vulcan was any good in bed! Not that Amanda knew, anyway, but she couldn't believe the woman's audacity, and her temper had easily peaked. When she continued to be unresponsive, the woman had changed tact.

"There have been rumors going around about you and the ambassador- that you broke up. Are you still together or not?"

The last two weeks had been hard enough. That question was only a reminder, and as it was asked, it was like a knife going through her heart. She snapped- spinning around to face the woman.

"No, we're not! Are you happy? Now leave me alone!" she snarled. She was tired of paparazzi hounding her. They only reminded her of what she had lost- and she didn't want them meddling any more. Hopefully, this would put an end to it. She had turned back around and entered the college grounds.

Now, as she looked at the article before her, she regretted snapping. Had Sarek seen this? What would he think of her- announcing their initial break-up like she had? She reread it for what felt like the hundredth time...

But did it really matter if the public knew of their separation? Although she had told him the night before that it wasn't officially over...she knew that it was. Even if he understood what she needed, she knew he could not give it, and she was prepared for that fact. She did not expect him to go against everything he knew, just for her. She knew better than to expect too much.

With a deep sigh, she sat back in her chair. She had missed him...and then, totally unexpectedly, he had shown up out of the blue, and kissed her like...well, she didn't have a metaphor for it. She still wasn't sure what was going on. Why had he backed out of the marriage? He had given her the how, but what had been his motivation?

She was sure that, whatever it was, it was every bit as logical as his reasoning for dating her. She huffed in frustration as she thought about that. He had dated her for the same exact reason that he had proposed to her: because she could teach him about Terrans. Did he really have no other motivation for it? Or did he just pretend not to? Were Vulcans so ashamed of their emotions that they refused to recognize love- the strongest of them all? Did he love her? Did he realize that he loved her?

She knew that answer as it pertained to herself. She had known for some time that her affection for him was growing, but she wasn't sure of the exact moment when it mutated into something more. Or maybe she had felt it for a long time- and had not dared to name it. She had denied it, even as it grew stronger. And...with good reason, considering how things had turned out.

Amanda rubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands. She had not slept well the night before- her brain had simply refused to shut off. Thoughts of Sarek, of the fact that he had not married that woman after all...of the way he had kissed her...had chased each other through her mind for hours, before she finally succumbed to the darkness hovering at the edges of her consciousness.

Her heart screamed at her not to...but her mind knew that it was only right for her to let him go. It was...logical.

Sarek lit the final bowl of incense, and then took his place on the mat, legs folded. He must meditate. He must search within himself for the answer to what Amanda required of him.