K'hat'n'dlawa

Aftershocks

When the front door slid open, Sarek entered the hall- his dark mood was evident, palpable in the air to those who awaited him. T'Shan and a younger servant stepped forward, but he held up a hand.

"Disallow transmissions. I am not to be disturbed tonight." he said. T'Shan stopped short, observing him. Vulcan women had a keen sense of smell, and he was sure she knew..."T'Shan- I have issued an order." he reminded her, unable to keep a tinge of annoyance out of his tone. She continued to eye him for a moment, before her gaze slid to the floor.

"Yes, osu." she said, and turned to leave. Despite her obedience, he knew she disapproved. But at the moment, her disapproval was not his concern.

He moved past the other servants, ignoring their silent stares. He did not care what they thought of him as he mounted the staircase. He had his own self-deprecation to occupy himself with.

When he entered his bedchamber, he ordered the doors to lock, and immediately began to strip off his clothing. He needed to get them off...her intoxicating scent lingered on them, on him. It was a distraction. As long as he could smell her, he longed to be with her again. He could not have that.

He stuffed the clothing into the refresher. Now completely naked, he made his way to the bathroom- he must cleanse himself of the last of her essence- her aroma still clung to him. He stepped into the sonic shower and it started. He stood calmly in the center of the sonic chamber as the imperceptible sound waves took away the last of the evidence...

He was calm on the outside, but in the inside- he was full of raging emotion. Regret. Anger. Disgust. Sorrow. These all thundered through his veins, making his fists clench and his heart pound harder. None of it was directed at her, except for regret- he was three times stronger than she, and they were fortunate that bruises were all she had acquired during their encounter. The fact that she had enjoyed every bit of it did not matter- he could have seriously injured her, and if he did that, he would not be able to forgive himself.

If he could not handle this- when he had still been in control of his body, aside from his arousal- what about Pon Farr? What if he had overestimated her resilience? Suppose she could not handle the demands he would make of her body at that time?

Unbidden and unwelcome, T'Pau's words returned to him...Even if she accepts you- there is no guarantee that she will be strong enough to withstand your strength when your inhibitions are gone. You yourself may kill her. This, I leave on your conscience, not on mine...You will eventually regret this, Sarek. You will find that this human cannot meet your needs.

He shuddered, and slammed his fist onto the button that stopped the sonic shower. He was not in total control of himself...he must meditate, if possible. He had not been this emotionally unstable since his last Pon Farr. At least at that time, it was biological, not mental, and not brought on by his own actions.

There had been no logical reason to mate with her. He was not in his Time- and they could not even reproduce naturally. They were not yet fully bonded, so he could not use the excuse of her being his bond mate to vindicate himself. If she were his wife- it would have only been logical to take care of her needs by claiming her in that most intimate way. But...she wasn't. He had taken her body because he wanted to. He desired her- he wanted to fulfill his own pleasure, as well as hers. And he had. And it had been utterly illogical and un-Vulcan. He had done what he had been conditioned all his life to never do- he had acted upon his desires and his basest instincts without a logical reason- or even a second thought.

As for Pon Farr- if it were not too late, he would reconsider her as his mate, for her health and safety. He had been a fool to convince himself without a doubt that she would be able to withstand his strength. Now he could only hope that he had been originally correct in that assumption- because he could not change his decision now. He did not have a choice. He had dragged her into this- and she did not even know how dangerous he would be a year from now. He could have told her that very day, but he had not. And he felt that the longer he waited- the less the chance he had of telling her without damaging their relationship.