To Be A Carnivore

Chapter 59 Ode| Shizuku

Trigger warning: deals with the issue of suicide.

The first time anyone falls in love is monumental. I think that as I am greeted by a warm hug from a friend I lost because of those feelings. First love is a conundrum for anyone whether your a boy with one of the brightest futures, a man with the world in your hands, a lady who shines brighter than any diamond or someone like me who could only feel discomfort at happiness.

"Amanda was probably your first love, wasn't she?" I asked as I looked at the passing scenery with a numb feeling. I'm home... I think.

Damian looks thoughtful for a second at my question as he looks at the road concentrating in his driving. To have him be the first person to welcome me back had my mind filled with thoughts about lost love. Everyone had a first love and like the saying goes - it doesn't seem to die. To Justin and Rebecca they were each other's, to Richard I was his, and to me, it was Damian - each case was so very different and yet every one was similarly an unwashable stain.

To say I was surprised by the hug was an understatement. It's been a long time since I contacted Damian. Perhaps, he had forgotten. True, he was my longest friend but the casual intimacy we shared always had this measured distance that we maintained. He did it so he wouldn't lead me on. I did it so that there was no chance that I would see him flinch at my touch. Rather than hug we exchanged playful punches or slaps to the back.

Distance. Once again, I developed that with everyone. I successfully created that with those who had gotten anywhere close to my heart. I couldn't believe that I even developed it for Candace now that she was awake and able to hate me. I had that with Justin as well especially when I left like a thief in the night. It had me thinking that maybe, it was the same for Damian and Richard. I was at the center of this. It could only be my fault.

"My first love, huh?" Damian repeated the query. His car smelled like pineapple freshener. He was wearing comfy crocs telltale that he just got back from the hospital. He still looked overworked but I've seen him at worse.

"My mom?" he said and I instinctively gave him a judging look.

"Scratch that" he immediately retracted knowing he was answering  like a toddler. "I guess a girl 'what's her name' from second grade."

"You're taking this lightly" I commented like I was complaining though his indifference seemed pleasantly fresh to me. Most of the people around me like I did gave our first love some special emphasis.

"I really don't remember" Damian gave up. "My wife wasn't my first though."

"I see."

"She'll be my last though."

Damian and I found ourselves meeting each other eyes at his last statement with me snorting and he retracting again his statement. "Scratch that, I mean my daughter would be my last love."

"You can't decide, can you?" I pointed out. I forgave his cheesiness but it was not forgotten.

"I'd rather much talk about the beauty of an appendectomy, if you want" he offered making me shake my head and snicker at how absurd that would be.

"It's really interesting" he defended and I highly doubted it.

"What is it with you bringing up first love so suddenly anyway?" I was asked. My answer to that would be too complicated. Really, I was so bothered by a single hug that I was being all sentimental and trying to process the complicated state of my relationships.

"Don't you think its such a bother?" I asked. "If something like love didn't exist, things would be so much simpler."

"Maybe" Damian shrugged.