My Alpha Centauri (Completed)

傳聞|4.0

'Sometimes what you say goes into my brain and it makes a little house...a house no wolf can blow down...'

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A R T

WHEN I WOKE UP, things were like this type of different, like I was speaking and all but nothing was coming out and that I was just floating with my feet still touching the ground. And to put all that kind of stuff into context I had to realise that I felt like a part of me was not where it was supposed to be.

I tried not to think about the few things that made my stomach tingle and my heart stammer – I tried not to think about North and his blue jeans...and his tongue, his lips...and those hips.

I imagined Sobo was sitting next to me, her hands on my hands and her smile infecting my own and making me want to be like her in every way.

I imagined she was whispering her stories to me and that she was telling me that I didn't have to speak if I didn't want, that I didn't have to let go if I wasn't ready.

I dragged myself out of my bed, every thought where it wasn't supposed to be and every step unsure and unanticipated. My feet took me to the mirror on my wall and I inspected every aspect of me that wasn't normal, that wasn't my usual. And that reminded me of the times when I used to take the bus and everything about me was warm and kind of fluffy.

Evander was someone I hadn't seen since I was one of those kids with a lunchbox that had all the apple stickers stuck to them. I hadn't seen Evander in years, and for some reason I felt like he knew I had died, I feel like he knows I'm dead.

'Don't look at yourself like that...' The voice washed over me in waves, and it struck, struck so close to home I had a damn time trying to keep it off the streets. It popped, just like the familiar would and it made my mouth bleed and my hands grow cold. 'Like everything was your own damn fault...'

I didn't turn, instead I thought about how I didn't want to hear 'cause hearing made every damn thing harder than it already was. But then that made me feel ungrateful and all these feelings were piling and piling...and just piling until...until–

But it was. But it was! But It Was! BUT It Was! BUT IT Was! IT WAS MY DAMN FAULT!

'I could say a lot of things that you already know and fuck – you know a damn lot but none of it would change anything...' The voice held that black justice I hadn't heard in a long time and it made me crawl but I pushed those emotions away and tried not to let every fucking thing come back.

It was in these moments I wish I could say something back, wish I could scream 'No!' over and fucking over again until I cracked. Til the water flowed in and left me at the bottom, becoming that piece of rock that no one ever cared about because I was silent – because being silent was so much harder than speaking.

But I had already cracked and that made screaming 'no' harder because I couldn't stop cracking and falling and doing all these things which made me look like I was so fucking shattered that not even the love of my life could pick me up.

When I turned around, I was met with dark-skin, caramel eye and a look that said so many things I didn't even know where to start. But it was the justice and the clear passion that made my heart flicker and my mouth bleed, because that's what I had been like when I had had my words, that's what I had been like when I had my lipstick.