Memories (BoyxBoy)

Desolation

May 14, 2009 

I'm gently jostled awake by someone's hand cautiously shaking my shoulder. I groan back grumpily and snuggle my head into my pillow, sinking deeper into the warmth of the blankets, and wanting to just sleep here forever. Breathing in deeply, I realize this isn't my bed. The pillow smells nice and freshly washed, unlike my old dingy bedding, and there is a hint of something sweet and just a little fruity. My eyes snap open when I recognize the fruity scent. It's the same that wafted out of the bathroom when Jace came out of the shower last night.

"Kai, come on. It's time to get up," He mumbles, shaking my shoulder again.

I roll over a bit and peak up at him with one sleepy eye, my fringe blocking most of the view. As soon as I see Jace standing over me, I quickly gather the blankets to cover my bare chest. Not that he hasn't already seen me, seeing as he clearly slept here with me. He must be thinking the same because he just lets out a light, but sweet laugh and shakes his head.

"What's so funny?" I snap defensively.

His smile falters, but doesn't leave his face as he walks towards the door. I hope I didn't come off as a jerk. I don't want to hurt the feelings of the guy nice enough to comfort me. Completely ignoring my questions, he says,"Hurry up and shower. Meet me in the kitchen when you're ready."

Once he's gone, I release my grip on the blankets and slip out of bed, crossing my arms to warm my bare chest in the chilly morning air. I suddenly remember why I hate getting up so early. I mean, honestly, who could possibly want to be up at this time?

I pull out a black jumper and black skinnies, and oh look at that, black underwear as well. How original, Kai. People at school tease me and slap me with labels like 'emo' because all I wear is black, and tend to always be alone and miserable looking. Black is just the only thing that I can wear that doesn't make me look disgusting in my opinion--it hides imperfections. Smirking, I think to myself, I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker colour.

In the shower, my mind does what it always has. It wanders down the dark, shadowy alley inside me, where my darkest, most frightening and depressing thoughts live. I can't help but think about my mom, wondering if she listened to me or if she stayed with that bastard Marcus. Probably the latter. My mind soon wanders further into the abyss and memories of last night's nightmare appear. The image of my mother and that ring. The lump in my throat returns and threatens to suffocate me. I have to remember it was just a nightmare. My stomach lurches, but I take a deep breath and force myself to calm down. I can't lose it. I need to keep it together. If there is one thing I am sick of, it's feeling weak and pathetic. Yet, no matter how hard I try, that's always how I end up. Feeling weak and pathetic and needing someone; but not having anyone. Well,until recently.

I turn my attention to washing myself and try to keep my train of thought on only that. Assigning little jobs to focus on. Squeeze shampoo into hand and scrub into hair until it lathers. The scent is flowery and reminds me of my mom years ago; when she tried to look pretty. The image alters to one of my mother's grotesque corpse hanging from chains. Breathe. Rinse out shampoo. slick hair with conditioner. Rinse. I can't stop picturing his wicked smile. The hand on my shoulder. A platinum ring. Breathe dammit! Scrub body down with a bar of soap. Rinse off. My hand pauses over the scar on my hip. Thoughts of the ring cloud over everything. Thoughts of Jace seeing this.Thoughts of Jace finding out about...

Whipping the glass door of the shower open, I lunge towards the toilet and with one more sickening lurch,my stomach empties itself. When there is nothing left to throw up, I flush the toilet and lean my head against the cold, steam drenched wall. I'm so disgusting. Just looking at the mess I've become in the few years I've been alive is pathetic.