Memories (BoyxBoy)

A Fool's Paradise

*Picture on right is Leah*

July 17, 2009

I'd like to say that the first week was easy and wonderful and relaxing, but then I'd be a liar. I may have finally gotten to come home, and of course I'm beyond happy to be able to sleep next to Jace every night like I've been dying to, but it has not been easy by any means.

In the ward, I was on a semi-strict schedule. I woke at a certain time, ate at a certain time, got out and walked around at a certain time, and I went back to bed at a certain time. Being back home, I found that keeping myself in check was a lot harder than I thought. I slept a lot at first and I had issues with eating again, but Jace helped me through each meal just as he'd done in the ward. I found that even though I was on my meds, the lack of consistency and patterns made my anxiety worsen for a bit. I felt weird and brutally exhausted. Jace almost called the doctor and I assured him I was fine and I was, because after that rough week, I felt like I was finally improving.

I've had only one panic attack after a nightmare and I've managed to keep down all my meals even if once or twice I hardly ate much. Regardless, I eat something and it stays down and I keep the weight I've gained in the ward on my bones and I'm happy to see that I can no longer see my ribs so much. My throat no longer raw from constant puking, and overall, I just felt better.It's strange, because eating and just looking at myself used to disgust me, but now it's slowly becoming bearable. The bitter voice in my head is slowly being quelled by a louder voice; one that sounds an awful lot like Jace and tells me only positive things.

"Here, take my coat. It's a little chilly this morning," Jace tells me as he drapes his jacket over my shoulders.

I smile at him gratefully and let him take my hand and lead me out of the house. After a long week, he decided last night that he wants to bring me out to breakfast and by that, he means walk across town with me on his arm to show off his new boyfriend. While my self-conscious side cringes at being in public,another part of me is over-joyed that Jace is proud to be dating me and actually wants to show me off. Me!

We finally make our way into the downtown section of our little city and I can't help but smile as people wave at Jace and I and eye the way his arm is around my shoulder. Someone else might've been embarrassed, or nervous that people will mock them or hate on them. Not me, though. I've faced just about everything and in all honesty, I just don't care anymore. I may not have admitted it yet, but I love Jace with all my heart. I'm not ashamed of him or the love we share, so screw everyone else and their opinions, I'm going to flaunt the amazing man I'm proud to call my boyfriend.

"You don't have to bring me somewhere so expensive for breakfast, Jace. Really, I'm fine with Starbucks, or the little cafe down the road, honestly!" I insist, feeling bad as he pulls me into one of the most expensive brunch buffet restaurants in town.

"Nonsense. You're beautiful and amazing and perfect, so you deserve nothing but the best. Plus, I begged grams to help me get reservations here and I am not passing up the opportunity to try snooty rich people food," Jace tells me,smiling widely and looking overly excited.

He's adorable, I think to myself.

It's as we're jogging up the stairs to the restaurant that Jace pulls to a stop, holding the door handle for support while he coughs rather hard into his arm. I look at him in confusion and hurry to his side to rub his back soothingly.

"Are you okay?" I ask in concern.

He nods quickly and smiles at me in a warm way that makes my cheeks glow with embarrassment. He quickly stands up,taking a deep breath and wraps his arm back around my shoulder and guides me up to the waitress' podium to be brought to our table. A friendly guy with an overly cheerful smile leads us to a table and says he'll be back to take our order momentarily. I don't pay attention to the menu and just study Jace, still kind of concerned about his random coughing fit.