Memories (BoyxBoy)

Goodbyes

June 8, 2009

Dear mom,

I know you'll never read this, but I still want to say I'm sorry I couldn't be a better son. I'm sorry I didn't save you while I could. I should have cared for you like you did for me. You shouldn't have had to deal with my fucked up problems along with your own. I'm sorry I'm not going to grow up to be the man you want me to be, I'm just not strong enough. It's okay if you're disappointed, I am too. I tried to be happy I really did, but I guess it's just not for all of us, you know? I hope I see you soon. I really miss you...

--

Dear Auntie,

I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind. I'm not coming. But, I'm not staying here either. I'm just a sinner, right? That's what I am? Just a disgrace to your precious, superior family? It's okay, I know I deserve this. I'm worthless and deserve to be treated like dirt by all of you. I hope you find relief in the fact that you won't have to be burdened by my presence now. You can continue on with your life, pretending I didn't even exist. It's better that way. Goodbye.

--

Dear Zoe,

Oh Zoe. I don't know how you're going to take this, but if you are hurt when you find out, I want to say I'm sorry and I love you. I loved you so damn much. You were like a sister to me, the best friend I could ever ask for. Thank you for protecting me, and acting like I was important. It's not true, but I appreciate you trying. Please don't remember me as the boy who killed himself, the boy you couldn't save. Please remember the good times.The secret lunches in the library. Movie nights in your room, where I literally acted like a chick and we sang our hearts out. Hanging out at the book store, talking about everything and anything. Dinner conversations with your family. Remember me like that, okay? You're one of the only people who saw the good in me, I don't want what I'm about to do to destroy that image you have of me... I also hope you and Zaq last by the way. I have a good feeling about him Zo, hang onto that boy. Be happy for me and live a long life okay? I love you babe, I'm so sorry. Goodbye.

--

Dear Rhys & Kyle,

I don't really know what to say. I owe a lot to you guys. You helped me realize who I am and taught me to embrace it. Seeing the love you two share made me envious. I wish I could have had that. I'm sorry to leave so suddenly, when we only just met really, but my time here is up. Take care of Zoe, make sure that Zaq boy treats her well and give him a good ass-kicking for me if he breaks her heart. Stay happy. Goodbye.

--

Dear Jace,

How do I even say goodbye to you? You are everything to me. You are my light in the dark, my safe place, my home, my heart, everything! I know you're not going to understand this, but this is really for the best. With me gone, you can finally get on with your life and find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be. I never deserved you. I am so grateful for the shred of happiness you managed to give me in the short time we had together. You did more for me than I could have ever asked for and I'm truly sorry it has to be this way. You'll be okay though, I know that deep down. You all will be. I'm not worth your tears, so please,don't cry over me. Just be happy for me okay? I've been hurting so long Jace, so so long. This isn't because of you, so please please please don't blame yourself. I know you, that's the first thing you'll do. We'll meet again someday, whether it be in some afterlife,or in another life in general. Maybe then things could be different for us. I like thinking of another life, one where I can call you mine forever. It sounds really nice. I look forward to it.... Live happy for me Jace, like I should have, like I wish I could. Find love, whether that be Charlie or not. Go to school, live your dream and just forget about me. If you do happen to remember me, I do hope you smile, because I'm going to be happy now, I'm not hurting anymore. I really think I love you, Jace. I'll miss you most of all... goodbye.