Trusting Ghosts | James Potter

21

In the days following, Paige and I had made it back to hogwarts and taken at least a thousand exams. We were completely exhausted from the funeral, the exams, and pity our friends kept giving us, especially Paige though, the poor girl.

I was with her right now, we were walking into the common room. We both fell on the couch. I looked at her, "How did you do?" I asked thinking of the transfiguration exam we had just taken.

"Pitiful, you?" She replied.

"I have no idea," I said with a sigh.

"Watch out!" Nicole yodeled as she sailed over the couch arm and landed on me. "Hey! Ow!" I screeched as her elbow hit my stomach. "Oops sorry," she said, not sounding remorseful in the least.

"What was that for," I demanded playfully.

"Mhhh, just felt like it," she replied as Sirius, James, and Remus entered the couch area. "Hey girls, how were exams?" Remus asked.

"Dreadful," Paige moaned.

"Well that's good," Sirius said, rolling Nicole off of me as she jumped up and leaped on his back. Apparently she had turned into a flying squirrel while we were gone.  Sirius stumbled at first then shuffled over to the other couch. Even though they had broken up, Sirius and Nicole were still good friends and they joked about their relationship a lot,

"Hey, would now be a good time for that talk?" James asked from behind the couch I was sitting on.

"Uh... Yeah, sure." I said nervously.

I stood up and he lead me over to a unoccupied set of table and chairs at the back of the room. We sat down.

"So how is she holding up?" James asked nodding in Paige's direction. "The exams wiped her out so it's hard to tell. I can tell she wants to be home with her mother and Henry." I told him not being able to look him in the eyes.

"And how are you?" He asked.

"I'm tired, trying to get Paige to do much of anything has been a hassle, but I cant let her just sit there and mope." I said.

He nodded and sighed, pulling his hand through his hair.

"I miss us." He said starring at the table. "I-I know we weren't together long, and what we had was mostly platonic, we never even kissed, but I feel more for you now than I did with Lily."

"James-" I started, but he cut me off.

"Let me finish, I can't be pretending to ignore you anymore, I'm not exactly sure why, but there is this... this need for you in my life." He said, leaning back in his chair.

I almost wondered if he had lost his mind. He wanted to be friends again? Is that what he's saying? Or is he saying he wanted to be more than that? We had only "dated" for a few months. But hadn't I fallen for him in less than that? And did I still feel something for him?

"James, I don't know what's going on between us, but I know that I miss us too. I miss you. If we decide to be... more than friends, I want to take things slow." I said as I reached over to cover his hand with mine. He glanced at our hands before flipping his over to intertwine his fingers with mine.

"I know, just give me a chance. It'll be perfect. Me and you." He said lowly, looking me in the eyes.

"Ok."

Paige's POV

I pulled my knees up to my chest and snuggled into the couch. I watched as Carina and James walked away from the group. I'm not sure what they were talking about, but Carina would probably tell me later. Maybe not.

Thinking she might not tell me something hasn't been a problem in all of my time knowing her. And if I'm being honest to myself, it was my fault.

I had been distancing myself from everyone lately. I'm not sure why. It's just... I feel so empty without my father. It's hurting me. I still can't comprehend the fact that he's dead. Gone. Never coming back.

It hurt so much. I'm glad he's not suffering anymore, but now I hurt. A lot. It's been hard to be enthusiastic about anything. I hardly smile.

Then there's the fact that I can't focus in school. I probably didn't pass any of the exams. Even though I sat in the library for hours with my face buried in books, I could never escape my thoughts.

I've never felt so helpless, even though I know Carina is right here. I've never felt so alone, even now, when all of my best friends are literally in front of me. I've never felt so lost, even though I know exactly where I'm at.

I've never felt so broken.
But it's okay. Because I'm always okay. I'm always strong. So it's okay.

I felt the couch dip down beside me and look over at Remus. I hate the way he's been looking at me. Like I'm some puppy that's been kicked over and over. Like I'm broken.
But now, he's looking at me like he has something to say.

"Paige?"

"Yes?"

"You wanna talk?"

"No thank you."

"Alright." He put his arm around me and I lean against him, feeling his warmth through my hoodie. I don't think he'll ever know how much I appreciate this. I really wish I could tell him. I could. But I feel like I can't. I feel like I can't do anything.
I want this to be over.

But I also want to stay here forever. Right here, with Remus. On this very couch. His arm around me, me snuggling into his side. All I need now is a good, distracting book.

"Can I ask you something, Paige?"

It's out of the blue. And I don't care. I want a distraction. My thought are being quite loud. I wish I could use a charm to silence my mind.

"Go for it," I reply, trying to hide my sadness. I've gotten quite good at that lately. Let's hope it stays that way.

"Paige, will you out with me?"

My heart suddenly skips a couple of beats. I'd love to. But I can't. There's no way. It wouldn't work out. Would it?
No.

Oh...

OH! Um...

I suddenly get up and slip on my shoes. "Remus, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I would love to and-"

"Really?" He cut me off, "Great! So that's a-"

I cut him off. "And I can't," I finish. "It's a no. Right now, anyways. I'm sorry, but I can't..."

By now I'm almost in tears. Or so it feels like it. Probably not. I don't have anymore tears left.

I turn and run out the door heading outside. I start panicking. Why did I say that?
I should've said that, though. I can't have a relationship while I'm like this. I can't even read a book. There's just no way I'd be able to commit like that.

I run my fingers through my hair and pace back and forth. What am I going to do? Not just about this, but about everything. The exams, the boys, Carina, Henry, Mom, myself? My life?
I feel like I'm being dramatic...

I run to the woods where I'll be safe.

Not once did I look back. I hope they don't find me.