im here // phan

eleven

The mountains were high against the pale, blue sky. The white clouds were plastered onto the sky. I️ was seeing Phil in everything. I️ couldn't stop it, he was just everywhere and in everything. I️ told the Uber driver to take me back home, and I️ knew I️ would have to face Phil again, but I️ was going to try and avoid it for as long as possible. I️ couldn't take seeing him ever again. What was he thinking? I️ mean I️ can't say I️ was mad it happened ... but that doesn't matter. If my mum found out, she would kick me and slap me and abuse me until I️ was dead. Actually.

"That's it." I️ pointed to the flat building Phil and I️ once admired together. The Uber driver nodded, and I️ hopped out when he parked the car. I️ thanked him on the way out, then walked up all the stairs into the door. Again, everything I️ saw was Phil; there was Phil's favorite vase, his pillow that he left out here by accident, and his coffee mug rested on the table. I️ wanted to smash and burn everything of his because I️ just couldn't take what I️ was feeling right now. I️ had so many things running though my head then, and I️ just needed to take a step back and file them all away. First, my depression, which was always there. Some anxiety was there too, like what was going to happen to me when my mum found out? Would my dad support me? I️ still had to see him, but I️ don't have a car. Phil was going to take me. I️ just can't escape him.

I️ walked into my room, pulled out my suitcase, threw some essentials in it, and zipped it up. I️ had to get out, or I️ could just stay out all day and come back and sleep here. That was weird, but there was no way in hell I️ was going back to my mum. Just then, my phone began to buzz. It was Phil. What the hell could he want? I️ didn't want to know, so I️ just let it ring until the tome stopped. I️ set a special tone for Phil so I️ would know it was him. Now it was perfect so I️ could just ignore all his texts and calls. I️ wasn't going to block him, unless it came to that.

I️ had no idea where I️ was going. I was just going to stay here, I️ guess. All my stuff was here. I️ made my whole life in this damn flat, with that damn boy who I️ fell for. But I️ couldn't. It was wrong, and I️ could only imagine what my mum is going to do to me knowing I️ kissed a boy. That's the worst of it all, in her books. Kiss a boy and I'll bust out the fists she would always say. Guess that's my fate whether or not I️ like it. 

I went into my room, and plopped down onto my bed. Phil and I had bought matching sheets; mine were black, white and grey checkered while his were blue, green and white checkered. I actually came up with that idea when we went shopping one day together, and saw those sheets paired up next to each other. Phil fell in love with the idea, and picked them right up. 

I physically slapped myself in the face. This was no time to be reminiscing on the past. I had to figure out what I was going to do. It was too painful to see him, yet he saved my life and held my hand when I really needed to feel his warmth. Was I going to forgive him so easily? This was my personal struggle that I had been fighting for a long time, and it was just something that had to be bottled up because of my damn mum. Whenever I even mentioned being anything slightly off from straight, she kicked me down to the floor and made sure I "learned my lesson". I tried to tell her how sexuality is not something you can just beat into the back of someone's head. She would just kick me again if I said that. 

My train of thought crashed when I heard the door open, and slam shut. Along with it came the muffled sniffs of a man. It could only be Phil. "Why did I do that? I fucked everything up, and we could have had something special. But I had to ruin it with my feeling. This is what you get, Phil. You loved him and now you lost him. You even lost your parents. Feelings suck! I have no one to go to!" Phil spilled out, and I could almost feel the tears falling from his eyes. I had to remain as quiet as possible so he didn't hear me. I was screwed if he heard me now. 

"Why did God give you the pain of being gay? Nobody cares about gay people. They just shame them, and make them feel like hell on Earth! Why couldn't I have had the easy, straight life?" He cried, and I heard him crash into the couch, where we spent loads of happy moments together. I slapped myself again, pretty hard. Then, Phil stopped sniffling. He had heard the slap, and now I was screwed. "Hello?" He muttered. I stayed perfectly still, holding my breath. He walked past my door, slamming his own door shut. I heard his dramatic sigh. 

"Phew." I whispered to myself. 

"Dan?"