im here // phan

twelve

Why was I so stupid? I should have stayed quiet until he left, or there was a sure sign I was safe. But now, Phil knew I was here. He barged into my room through the little door.

"Dan, I didn't, I didn't know you, you were here." He stumbled. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and ignore this completely.

"I have nowhere else to go." I mumbled, eyes on Phil's feet. I just couldn't look him in the eye right now. I didn't have a will to, either.

"I'll go, my parents need to yell at me anyways." He sighed, turning out of the doorway.

"Wait, Phil, come, I mean, stay." I said, my words tripping out of my mouth. "My mum is going to beat me until I die."

"My parents, they are, are homophobic. I mean, I was going to, to tell you I was gay, I just couldn't find the, the right time. Sorry." He lamented, and I just wanted to forgive him. He didn't really do anything wrong. But, my mum is going to murder me. I can't forgive him.

"It's fine, Phil. But right now, I think we need a break. Go see your parents, and I'll go see my mum. Spend the night there, and come back here tomorrow morning. We can talk then." I explained. Phil wiped away the tear that streaked his face, and left the room. I head him walk out of the flat, and then moments later the car starting. I knew he was gone, so I knew it was okay to cry. I just lay down on my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and let the sadness flow out of me through the tears. There were surly a lot of tears, because there were lots of emotions. I didn't want to see my mom, but I sent Phil to go see his parents. But, I could see my dad. He would be so much better to see. I dedicated to that, and emerged from my bed.

------

Driving was pretty lonely without Phil. There was no life in the songs I played anymore. There was no reason for me to dance. So, I just played our favorite songs, and again, let the tears flow out. The nostalgia was really kicking in now that he was really gone. Hopefully not forever. But I just had to be prepared for the worst.

It took about an hour to get to the hospital, and I found a parking spot that was pretty close to the building. I got out of my car, and stretched my back out. I approached the building just to notice there was a large que outside the door. I rolled my eyes, and stepped into the back of the que.

"You'll be lucky if you get in here this week, kid. There is a large demand from a huge car crash up the other way." The man in front of me turned around and told me.

"Really? Like that way?" I pointed to the opposite way I came from.

"Yeah, apparently there were like 5 cars in the accident." He explained.

"Woah, that's crazy." I spoke, looking down at my feet. "I'm just here to see my dad. He's already been here for a long time."

"Well, he might not be here anymore. They are sending some patients out to another hospital so they can fit all the injuries from this crash." The man spilled.

"Well, what about a cancer patient? Would they send them out?" I inquired.

"Probably not. Depends how bad though."

"He's got weeks to live." I shrugged.

"Then he is most likely still here, pal." He turned back around, and I took that as a sign to be quiet.

———

An hour later, I finally inside the building. Not like at the desk, but I'm actually inside at least. That was a step. I was getting more and more anxious to see my dad, because I hadn't seen him in so long, and now he was dying. Then, I heard some distant screams.

"You have to let me see him! That's my son!" A woman voice cried.

"We have too many people crowding in that hall because of the crash, ma'am. I'm sorry. Come back a little later." The doctor sighed.

"LET ME SEE HIM NOW!" She yelled in the doctors face.

"I can assure you, he is fine, ma'am. I just checked up on him. He is stable." The doctor explained.

"But, that's my baby boy. I want to see him, and you can't deny me that." She pleaded.

"Ma'am...just 10 minutes. Wait in your car." He tried.

"Fine. But then, I have to see him." She stormed out of the building. She looked so familiar to me, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was up next at the desk. The man in front of me was here to see his wife, who I guessed was in the crash. Finally, I was up at the desk.

"Hi, um, I'm here to see my dad, Howell is the last name." I rested my elbows down on the desk.

"Yes, he's in room—" She was cut off.

"Is there a Dan Howell in here?" A doctor came running out of the hallway yelling.

I shot my hand in the air. "That's me." I mumbled.

"A patient is demanding for you." The doctor gestured me back with her.

"Sorry." I mumbled to the desk lady, and she nodded. I ran behind the doctor, down the long hallway, took a hard left, and it was the first door on the right.

"In here, sir." The doctor opened the door for me. I went in through the doorway, and I was shocked.

"Dan, I have to see you before I die."