im here // phan

twenty six

trigger warning; talk of self worthlessness and death. read at your own risk if you are sensitive.

It was inevitable that one of us was going to have to die; Mrs. Lester or myself. It was going to have to be me and Phil did not want to accept that. Whether his mum was homophobic or not, she was a good person deep down. Phil needed her more than he needed me. A mum is a lifetime support, and a boyfriend could be gone within months. He would regret letting her go instead of me.

While I love Phil with all of my heart, he knows deep down that I have always wanted to die. He has seen me hurt myself so many times before, and I guess it has been getting better, but still. My feelings have been repressed because Phil is so good at bringing out the good parts of me, and I guess I bring the same out in him.

My depression leads me to some dark places sometimes, death always being the darkest one. I always get to thinking about how death is inescapable, and we will die no matter what. The immortal only live in the fairy tales. Thats why it seems so easy for me to perish. Now, the effects it will have on Phil will be intolerable for him, but I won't be around anymore. Maybe heaven and hell do exist, or maybe they don't. I might just poof out of existence.

Also, I don't really care much for myself. I have literally no worth on this planet. Except to Phil. I am his world now, and I mean a lot to him and he means a lot to me. But, what else? I'm not that smart, so I won't have a life-changing career. I can't do anything cool with my body and I am too depressed to save a cat from a tree. I would probably be sat on my bed thinking about helping, but then crash down instead. I wouldn't be able to muster the strength to do something heroic.

Right now, I should really be following PJ out of the cafeteria to look for Phil and ease him through his anxiety attack, but I sit at the table with Chris, and don't move a muscle.

Chris decides to speak up. "Shouldn't you be up and after your boyfriend, mate?" He inquired. I nodded, without saying a word. I stood up, and he gave me a thumbs up. I walked through the maze of tables, and out the lavish door. The first place I though of checking was the bathroom, but that was too obvious. So, I wandered the halls, looking into empty classrooms and listening for PJ's distinct voice.

I didn't hear or see anything for about 5 minutes, so I checked the bathrooms on the first and second floor, and I didn't find anything again. Where could he have gone? Did he leave the campus? I decided to call him, so I pulled my phone out and dialed his number. I pressed the device to my ear, and listened to it ring 4 times, and then the other line came to life.

"Dan, Dan?" His soft voice channeled itself out of the speaker.

"Phil, please, where are you? PJ and I have been looking." I asked softly, waiting to hear his familiar voice again.

"I am outside the school. Sitting under the biggest tree. Look, I'm sorry I ran out. I panicked." He apologized, and I could hear his sniffles.

"Don't be sorry. I totally understand. You needed to escape from the situation." I comforted, and I could almost feel his mood change.

"This is why I love you so much, Dan. I can't loose you, I can't let you die." He whimpered.

"I'm going to come outside now." I said, pulling the phone from my ear and pressing the red call button. The line went dead, and I walked out the doors, and bolted to the tree. He was sat under it, his phone still in his hand. I ran right up to him, and he stood up, and threw his arms around me. I tightly hugged him back.

"Why did this have to happen now? Everything seemed to be going so well now, but I guess not. Who even is that? Why would they want you dead? Or mum?" He blabbed, and I just tried to process everything he said quickly. He pulled back from the hug, and we sat down.

"Phil, life is not perfect. It's going to keep throwing you shit and you are going to keep getting hit, but you just have to learn to wipe it off and move on. This is just another toss that life is taking at you, so that is why you are going to have to let me go and move on." I added, and Phil caught on to the little thing I slipped in.

"See, Dan, it's not that easy. You came into my life, and now you are here, and you were the missing piece! I feel happy and complete, like you were the boy I needed my whole life." He explained to me, and I knew it was all true. I knew that everything he was saying was true, because I felt it too. He was the only piece I needed in my life, and we had so much to do together in our lifetimes. I could see us doing something, making an impact. Just not me, as a singular unit.

"See, Phil, I feel the same way about you too. I love you whole-heartedly. But, sometimes fate decided that things can't stay perfect. Let me put it to you like this. You buy a brand new car, and the paint is shining and blinding you, the seats are as leathery as can be, and the windows are smudge-free. Everything is perfect. But then, you get into the car. Now the handle is smudged and the seat is a little worn. The wheel is now smudged and the pedals have dirt from your feet on them. The car is no longer perfect. It is dirty and worn and now less worthy." I ramble, using my excess example for him. He seems to understand, because his already pale face goes even whiter, and his eyes well up with tears.

"I get it. Fate is making my life like a dirty car by throwing this situation at me." Phil said, and his eyes looked deep into mine.

"Yeah, I guess." I replied. Then, we heard a loud booking sound come from inside, and we jolted up. We ran back inside, going to investigate. The halls began to fill up, frantic people running and screaming.

"He's coming, he's coming!" Many people screamed, running the opposite way as Phil and me.

"What is going on!?" I yelled so Phil could hear me over everyone else.

"Was that a gun shot we heard?" Phil asked, now panicking. I could see anxiety snatch him into it's trap.

"Deep breaths, Phil. Go run with the people. I will investigate. If you want, get in your car and drive home. Get to safety. Keep your phone on you and if I don't text you in, lets say an hour, then you need to come back." I offered, and he nodded, running out of the building to his car.

The hallways cleared out a little bit, so I walked in the opposite direction as everyone else. I did see a man, and he looked oddly familiar at a distance. He was holding a gun. No one was hurt, but there was a hole in the ceiling. I presumed it was the gun shot.

"We have a brave one on our hands. Oh, is that you, Daniel?" The man asked, walking closer to me. That's when I finally realized who he was.

"It's me, sir, and if you want anyone from your family to love you still, I suggest you do away with that gun."