Ready-Made Family

Chapter Nineteen

"Hey Madelyn" Madison lowered herself onto the cold hard ground within the cemetery. She had been here with Rebecca a few weeks ago but now it was her turn to come alone. She looked at the old, worn down headstone and placed a bouquet of baby's breath and pale peach roses in front of it. "I know it's been a while since I last came here to talk to you... and I honestly might not have any right to come visit this gravesite at all".

She sighed again and became silent. She looked around the rest of the graveyard. This was a place for loved ones to come and morn. Was she intruding? She didn't actually know Madelyn, and she was now living her life. But she felt as though she needed to come and explain everything to the poor woman's soul.

"I'm the woman who has been living your life" Madison gave an awkward nervous laugh. "And it seems I really am living your life now. You see I'm pregnant". She raised her nail to her mouth and slowly started to nibble on it.

"I didn't mean to get pregnant, but it just kind of happened". She hung her head almost in shame "I'm excited about being a mother again but I'm also nervous. Right now Brandon is with me and we can do it as a team but what about when he gets his memory back? He will remember all about you and the child he lost. What if he still loves you? I would never want to replace you but I don't want to be forgotten either. I know how much he loved you and by the way everyone talked it sounded like he was never going to move past you. But now I love him. And I wish that he could love me the same way."

Madison picked at the dying grass around her "what if he's too scared to have a baby again? I mean he lost his first child. That is so difficult to move past and now here I am having his baby. Maybe he will get mad. What if he doesn't want it? What if..." she slowly trailed off?

There was only one thing she really needed to say but she didn't want to say it out loud. She was too worried. She didn't want to lose him. Certainly not now since she is carrying his baby. She had to say it. If she wanted to come to terms with it she needed to say it.

"What if he only loves me as a replacement for you?" she whispered. Small tears formed in her eyes. It had always been her fear but she never wanted to face it. "What if he only wants to be with me not because I'm me but because you're not here? He doesn't want me for me, but only the idea of me".

She looked at the headstone "I'm not you. And I will never be able to be you. And I think that's something that I'm scared of too. These constant expectations that were set up with you as his wife that I just can't achieve. I see it even with his parents. You were wonderful at entertaining. I've heard stories from Isabelle and Rebecca about the house parties you could throw. The elegant sit down dinners with clients or the backyard teas with the wives. I mean I'm okay with it but I don't have the same sparkle for it that you do".

"And the public. You handled it with grace and beauty. But I'm the kind that would trip over her own two feet. What kind of wife is that? I don't even really like dresses. I'm more of a laid back, sweatpants and hair in a messy bun kind of a girl. Not really very graceful".

"I can't compare to you. It's impossible for me to be you" Madison whispered. "I'm just me. And I want Brandon to love me for me."

Madison reached forward and gently touched the headstone. "I just came here today to tell you about the baby. I know that Brandon is going to make a great dad. And I knew he would have done an amazing job raising your son if he had lived. I don't want to replace your son either, but I hope this baby will give Brandon a second chance at being the father he deserves to be".

She gave a weak smile and climbed off the ground. Giving her clothes a quick dusting clean she headed back to her car. Today was the day she was going to tell Brandon about the baby. But for some reason when she awoke she felt drawn to go to the grave to visit Madelyn. It didn't feel right without informing her first and saying she was sorry. Sorry for what, she wasn't really sure. But she needed to say it.