After We Happened

XXIII. Light

Kabanata 23

Light.

Daffney's POV

31 missed calls from Kuya Daffin.
10 missed calls from Rienne.
14 missed calls from Tori.
22 missed calls from Chan.
11 missed calls from Terrence.

3 new messages from Kuya Daffin.
16 new messages from Rienne.
5 new messages from Gion.
2 new messages from Isaac.

Swipe to Open.

My phone kept on buzzing so, I turned it off. I wanted to be alone, hindi ba nila maintindihan iyon?

Gusto kong mapag-isa.

Nandito ako ngayon sa madalas naming puntahan ni Darlin noon.

Kung saan kitang-kita mo 'yung stars.

He used to bring me here whenever I was feeling down. This place used to be my comfort zone.

He was my comfort zone.

He was my safe haven.

He was my home.

And now I'm fucking homeless.

Konti lang 'yung stars ngayong gabi. Hindi na katulad nung dati. Pati ba naman sila iiwanan na din ako?

Ngayon na lang ulit ako nakapag-stargazing... after years.

I hated it because of him.

Isa sa mga pinaka-paborito kong alaala namin 'yung sinabi niya noon sa akin.

He said that he believes that when a person dies, nagiging stars sila.

Nagiging gabay natin sila.

Kahit wala na sila, 'yung mga minamahal natin na pumanaw na... they made sure that they're still there.

Looking at us.

Guiding us.

Giving us light.

Liwanag.

Ikaw ang liwanag ko.

He used to be my light.

Pero... ano nga ba ang nangyayari sa ilaw kapag masyado ng matagal ginamit?

Napupundi.

Nawawalan na ng saysay.

And... I was his light too.

Napundi ako, nawalan ng saysay.

Kaya... pinalitan niya na ako.

Sabi niya na sisiguraduhin niyang kapag nawala na siya sa mundo ay magiging isang bituin siya.

Dahil kahit kailan ay hinding-hindi niya raw ako iiwan. He said that he'll always be with me.

Whenever... and wherever.

He'll always choose to stay by my side.

But... that's just bullshit.

"Well, sige, Daffney! Putanginang katotohanan 'yan! How do I even explain myself? How do I even tell you my reasons? How do I even tell you na kaya ko 'yun ginawa ay dahil hindi ako makuntento sa 'yo? I wanted more! I wanted more! I wanted more to Daf—"

He wanted more.

After everything, sa ilang taong relasyon namin... hindi pala siya kuntento sa akin.

But... I can accept that.

Pero hindi lang naman 'yun...

Hindi na siya kuntento sa amin.

And that's a different thing.

"Darlin, bakit?" I asked. Kahit wala naman siya dito. Para akong tanga. Kinakausap ko 'yung hangin at mga bituin. Naluluka na nga ata ako.

Saan ba kasi ako nagkulang?

Mahal na mahal ko naman siya...

I was faithful. I was loyal.

Sabi niya naman... masaya siya.

Masaya siya sa akin, sa amin.

"I was looking for something."

What was that something?

Wala ba talaga sa akin iyon?

I can work it out. We can.

I was ready na pakasalan siya. I told myself noong araw ng kasal namin na pagsubok lang 'yun. Ikakasal pa kami.

Magiging masaya kami.

We'll still keep our promises.

I already forgave him...

But hearing na hindi siya dumating sa kasal namin?

Everything went black.

I mean... hindi ba ako karapat-dapat na pakasalan? Don't I deserve to experience a wedding?

Gusto ko lang naman lumakad sa aisle at makita siya sa dulo ng altar na hinihintay ako...

Which... he never did.

Kung namanhid na ako, mas namanhid pa ako. To the point na walang-wala na ako. Naubos na ako. Napagod na ako.

Said na said na ako.

I was pushed to my limits.

Nagawa ko 'yung mga bagay na hindi ko naman dapat ginawa dahil sa sobrang manhid ko na.

Sa sobrang nasaktan na ako.

I don't even know who I am anymore way back then, but thank God I found another source of light.

It was Andra.

She became my source of hope and strength. I was really happy having her. Pero, hindi pa rin noon napantayan ang saya ko noon... noong kami pa.

Like him, I was also looking for something.

Something... I cannot find in anyone.

I searched for it.

I looked for it everywhere.

And looking at the stars tonight, I finally realized what has been missing all these time.

It was...

It is...

And it will always be you, my darling.