Letters from India - Part 2

9. Sendoff from Prasanthi Nilayam and In Malaysia - May 1989

Sendoff from Prasanthi Nilayam and In Malaysia

May 1989

Prasanthi Nilayam, Bangalore, Madras, Malaysia

Sai Ram,

29 April: I’ve grown used to getting my own way. I’ve noticed that if I argue enough, Venkamma (and even Swami) will give me my own way. I get it and am happy. Only later I get in trouble. So I must learn to listen. I find that in getting my own way, first there’s happiness then after, sorrow. In listening to her, first I'm miserable (forced to do something I don’t like!) then after there’s so much contentment, love and plenty of rewards. Slowly I must learn to be content from beginning to end, liking what she has me do in the first place.

But I’ve noticed that she seems to really care for me, in a personal way that I could never see in Parvatamma.

One day after our big argument I was in her room, I was eating and then one lady came - poor thing, she lives in the ashram and is quite mad but innocent. She goes about yelling to herself about different problems. So she sat down and started to yell and talk to poor Venkamma.

Meanwhile, I finished and was cleaning my plate. Suddenly Venkamma started shouting at me, “You go! Go, go! I told you never to clean the vessels. Get out, go to your room!” I was shocked and said back, “I'm only cleaning my own plate, I always do that!” So I finished quickly, as I was putting it in the kitchen she yelled all the more loudly, “Go! Why are you taking so much time?! Just put it down and get out of here, go to your room!!”

By this time I didn’t understand what sin I had done. So I decided to make a show of leaving. I stomped into the room from the kitchen and yelled at her, “I only cleaned my plate, what huge sin is that!” Then I took my key and left slamming the door – BANG! During the whole time the crazy lady was ranting and raving about something, government office, grandson, etc. The next day I didn’t go to Venkamma, I didn’t even look towards her room when I passed it.

Finally when I passed her room to go to the Mandir for evening bhajan, she yelled from inside, “Divya! Divya! Come here, come here!” When I came she had a shy smile of apology on her face and said, “Why did you go away so angry last night?” Her friend-helper was there and said, “From last night she’s been so upset that you got angry, all day she’s been suffering.”

I started to speak but Venkamma said, “See, that crazy lady was here and she was telling all terrible, bad stories about her grandson’s troubles. I didn’t want one word of such things to fall on your ears. Because you understand Telugu, you would’ve understood all the evil things she was saying. I only wanted you to go right away so no bad words would enter into you.”

Finally I understood and reminded myself that whatever she says, I shouldn’t question or get involved or upset but just trust that it’s for the best.

Now I’ve been going to her in the evenings - then usually no one comes to see her. During the day sometimes she calls me (usually once or twice), for small things like getting medicine from the hospital, or to give me something.

Here in the summer they drink a lot of buttermilk, it’s cooling, they say. Also good for coughs, they say. If I ever dare to cough in her presence, she gets very, very concerned and says, “Why are you coughing like that?!” And then she straight away gets me an extra glass of buttermilk!

Things went very perfectly after that, she treated me so nicely and showed her love in so many ways, it was like heaven. But of course, it only lasted three days!

Then I was planning to go to Bangalore on Thursday the 27th, finish all business in 1 ½ day, then go on Monday the 1st to Madras. Then on Wednesday night we found out that all of Bangalore was going on strike on Thursday! How could I finish business?! I had to go to six places: tax clearance, police permission, ticket confirmation, message to taxi, bank to pick up money, and finally get Madras bus reservation. Naturally, Venkamma flew into an outward rage at this latest development. It seems, she had told me before to go a few days earlier but I had refused saying I liked it in Prasanthi Nilayam (I couldn’t imagine staying so many days in Bangalore with no Swami even!). So now, I’d only have ½ day to do work, and maybe on Saturday also (would offices be open?).

All day Thursday was really awful, she was upset with me the whole day, telling everyone how I hadn’t listened to her words and now look at the mess I was in. She said that if for some reason I couldn’t get business done, and not be able to go and thus lose money on the plane ticket, it was all because I didn’t listen to her. She said she’d somehow get your address and write to you how she tried to save me but I didn’t listen. And here I thought I had been so good and listened to whatever she was saying! I forgot how I refused to go early to Bangalore! Thus Thursday passed, with no buses to Bangalore.

She finally cooled down by Friday, and sent me off with great Blessings and prasad. I went to catch the 8:30 AM bus (arriving in Bangalore at 12:30 AM). Venkamma had told me to go to the bus, make inquiries, etc. So, I saw the bus from afar (instead of asking someone!) and stared at it nicely, waiting for it to come close to load passengers. At 8:45 AM finally someone came up to me and asked why I didn’t leave on the 8:30 bus?! I had been staring at the 10 AM bus; meanwhile the 8:30 bus had come & gone! The 10 AM bus would arrive in Bangalore at 3 PM Friday, when could I get all the business done?! My heart almost stopped, more anticipating Venkamma’s reaction then anything else, honestly!

I wondered if I should hid somewhere in the ashram until 10 AM, and not to go near Venkamma’s room! Of course, as I entered Ganesh gate she was standing right there on the threshold of the gate! She looked at me with no reaction (like she already knew!) then quickly a mask of surprise and shock came over here! I told what had happened - she shouted at the top of her voice for all to hear (in front of poor Ganesha also!) and screamed, “Get away, don’t talk to me.” I of course followed her back to the room that she sits in, waiting for bhajan. She yelled at all the friends in the room, making a big show. Finally she ordered that immediately after arathi I was to go to the bus, and she went into bhajan.

After bhajan I sloooowly took my bag, staring all the while at her coming out of the hall. She had crushed my courage with her words, I was wondering how I’d do business and how sad the days would be remembering this awful last send-off. She came and sent someone running to her room with her key, and telling me, “Wait, wait,” gently. This person came running back with a banana from Venkamma’s puja, which she gave into my hands herself. Then she patted me and put her hands on my head in Blessing, saying, “Go and come, get all work done and come soon, Bangaroo.” Immediately courage returned and I went to the bus happy. See her love!

I arrived in Bangalore happy and got all business done on Friday and Saturday. I saw that the police had granted visa up till day of departure; tax clearance only took a few minutes (last year it took hours!), plane ticket was re-confirmed, reservation was made for Madras bus and money was picked up smoothly from Bank of India (even though they had spelled my name “Kantleen L. Weed”).

Venkamma had told me affectionately to write as soon as I get the Bangalore business done, or else she’d be worried wondering if I got it all done! She also told me to write once I got the visa in Malaysia. You know I like to write and so I was planning to write to her but it was sooo nice to hear her request it herself. :-)

I gave Venkamma your greetings and concerning the possibility of you coming, she stared into space with a thoughtful expression as if remembering you, then after said, “Only we don’t know whenever they’ll come. Paapam.”

By the way, Parvatamma is still here in Whitefield. She’s much better they say: talking, walking and eating as usual. For two months she could hardly even sit up in bed! Now she’s ok. But very, very thin and sickly looking, they say.

May 3rd: I went to Malaysia and Shanta picked me up at the airport. She’s taking good care of me. She lives in a huge mansion of a house (and sun-streamed also). No one but us two; and she works during the day.

I feel very good - it’s been such thick trouble-ridden, tension-immersed, plus full of Grace atmosphere in Prasanthi Nilayam, it’s good to get away and give rest to mind & body. For once I don’t mind leaving India! It’s a nice holiday.

Although the inner peace seems to be always with me (result of some past-life tapas) still some part of me must be affected by the last 14 months of pressure, or I wouldn’t feel so relieved to be away.

I was eating more in Prasanthi Nilayam and gained a noticeable amount of weight. Now in Shanta’s house is a scale and for you, I got on and saw I weigh 120 pounds.

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu.

Thus,

Love,

Divya