Keep Your Friends Close And Your Enemies Closer

27.

Alex's p.o.v

I'm fucking stressed.

Jack won't let me talk and Rian thinks I'm an asshole that would actually have the audacity to cheat on such a beloved human. My life is going down hill, even worse than before me and Jack became friends all because of Ronnie and i'm the only one who knows it, everyone else wont let me explain what he has done, how he caused everything like the little shit he is.

The only thing that seemed to be going good for me today is the weather, oddly enough. It was pouring down rain outside, dark and gloomy outside just the way I like it. It kind of feels like the rain is slowly washing away my stress a little bit.

Rain has always calmed me down, ever since I was a little kid actually. My mom and dad were always too busy to splash around in the puddles with me and I was too young to go out on my own, so I would go up to my room and just stare out the window, watching the clear droplets run down the glass.

As I've grown up not much has changed, when it rains I make myself some sickeningly sweet hot chocolate, grab myself a fluffy blanket, and just look out the window observing the world around me.

To most people I bet that sounds boring, just staring out a random window in silence for hours, but to me it's one of my favorite things to do. I play music sometimes, but I find the pitter patter of raindrops more satisfying to listen to.

Sitting by the window, the outside world becomes blurry as I quickly get trapped in my thoughts.

Am I a bad person?

This thought has been in my head since I became part of the popular group I guess, I always ignored it because I didn't want to think of such things because deep down I already knew the answer.

Yes I am.

But when me and Jack finally got together that answer had changed. I was finally the person I wanted to be. I was nice to people, I kept Jack and his friends happy, and I didn't get in fights (Ronnie's an exception) I finally felt like a good person, and it felt so damn good.

But when Jack ran away from the bathroom in a fit of rage, the answer was reverted back to it's original answer. I was never a good person was I? It just appeared that I was on the outside, the same old jerk still trapped inside me.

The way it was so easy for Jack to believe I would cheat on him, that his friends told me they weren't surprised, that Jack, the boy I dated for months and told all my secrets to, doesn't trust me. I got my new answer.

I'm not a bad person.

I'm a horrible person.

Maybe Ronnie has been right this whole time. I do deserve everything that's happened to me. I don't deserve such a loving boyfriend when he could just give his love to some one better than I will ever be. I don't deserve such amazing friends when my absence makes no impact on their lives. I don't deserve to be loved by my parents, because they're right, I am a disgusting human being.

I traded being a good guy and being out of the closet for being popular, it wasn't worth it by a long shot, but looking back I think I finally understand why I stayed and put up and with Ronnie's bull shit for long...

For once in my life I was wanted.

I was treated like a king, admired and fear by most guys at the school, girl coming at me left and right and looking at me like I'm a piece of meat and flirting with me no matter how many time I told them I wasn't interested in them.

But all that was fake, they didn't like me for me, they liked me for the guy I was pretending to be, the persona I put on for everyone around me. Nobody even tried to get to know the real me in the slightest.