I do love you // Jungkook x depressed! reader

Torment

    After I got the job, it became a habit to wake up before sunrise, begin my long walk along busy roads, and to arrive around 7. I cooked large breakfasts for the Jeon family and cleaned their dishes. I dusted shelves and picked up after Jungkook, who I swear trashed the house on purpose just for me to clean it all up. I didn't mind though. I made 600 dollars for this job each day and I was just starting to pay off my large debt.
I was skinny with knobby knees due to the fact that I hardly ate at all. I had a thin face and slightly sunken eyes. Jungkook always pointed it out saying that I was ugly and anorexic, making fun of my appearance. I ignored it as much as possible. I had all night to cry about his remarks.
My emotions are like a light switch. I turn it off and I can get my job done with fake smiles and fake laughs. But once I come home, I turn it back on and everything hits me at once and I end up sobbing on the floor. If I don't turn it on every night, it builds up more than I can stand and I have an extreme panic attack. Luckily, my mother died last year so I'm free to scream and cry as I want.
Jungkook always smacked me after I cleaned up his room. I'd pick up his clothes and clean his dirty laundry; a smack on the back of the head. I'd arrange his desk making sure his school work was all organized by subject; slap on the arm. I'd make his bed and vacuum his rug; slap on the face. He never appreciated what I did for him. In fact, he acted like he hated me and he got a kick out of torturing me. But I'd ignore it. After years of dealing with things like this, I learned to ignore it.
At least Mrs. and Mr. Jeon were nice and polite people. Mrs. Jeon always thanked me and sometimes took me out to a café on my lunch break. Mr. Jeon always bowed in appreciation and would help me on his days off. If only Jungkook was like them. Then I could actually get better. Instead, while I smiled, I had awful things whispered in my ear. "Worthless" "Stupid" "Bitch" "Retarded" "Faggot"
I never got better because of people like him. All night I'd cry myself to sleep and then I'd wake up, skip breakfast, and walk to the Jeon manor. I hardly slept due to online courses and I hardly ate due to lack of money. All the money I made was absorbed by the debt I had. It was a matter of time before the government would evict me from my house. Mrs. Jeon gave me the leftovers from their meals and I would eat it greedily while taking my online classes.
I hardly had time to draw anymore and it stressed me out but I couldn't stand to take a day off. Drawing always relaxed me because I could express myself without words. I was weakened by each cut I made on my forearm. It hurt to walk because of each cut in my thigh. Almost every filling meal I ate never lasted in me. It always ended up being thrown up. I wasn't anorexic, but I purged many meals to calm down my anxiety.
Each day I looked at the scar on my bicep and I would shed a few tears. Then I'd pull on a long sleeve shirt as if nothing happened. In the spring heat, I searched for cheap apartments near the Jeon house. Finding none, I would just have to continue to get only two or three hours each night. I stopped believing in God a long time ago. If he was real, I wouldn't have suffered this bad. I wouldn't have my safe and happy childhood ripped away from me. And I would never forgive him.
Jungkook continued to harass me each day. He'd grab my wrist and dig his fingers into my skin so I stopped cutting on my arms. I began cutting my hips instead to calm down the voices in my head. I hated every second of my life, but I owed too much money to die right now. Instead I'd just die once it's all over and I can die peacefully. Jungkook always ignored me in front of his parents. I apologized multiple times a day just to keep him from lying to his parents about me.
What for? Nothing. Just for being bothersome. I was naturally a burden. I would always bother someone no matter what I did. If I wasn't hurting myself, I was hurting or bothering others. I always hid my scars but it became harder each day because of the increasing heat and Jungkook becoming more comfortable with hurting me. He'd call me names and me being fragile, I'd sob over it for hours until I pass out from exhaustion. My feet hurt from each day of working, but I had to keep working no matter what.
Jungkook always took attacks on my appearance. My messy hair and sunken eyes. My blemished skin on my face. My unkempt eyebrows. My thin lips. Each night I'd cut my flesh to stay sane. I couldn't stand living. No one could stand me living. I felt as if I was watching a movie, never really interacting. Just going through the motions because living was worthless. It made no sense to keep breathing. And I hated it.