I do love you // Jungkook x depressed! reader

Goodbye

    Jungkook walked through my front door with a big smile on his face. He held up a bag and yelled "I'm home (Y/n)!"
I giggled. "This is my home not yours." He just scoffed and set the bag down.
"I'm your home Jagi." He opened the bag and pulled out two tubs of ramen. He headed to the tv and turned it on. He put on Netflix and as he searched for a good movie I grabbed my tub and chopsticks. We began eating as Jungkook settled on a Disney movie. He snuggled close to me and kissed the top of my head.
After the movie, Jungkook had to leave to go back to the dorms. I told him goodnight and headed to take a hot shower. After the shower, I stared at my naked body in the mirror. I grabbed my breasts and pushed them up and together to make them look bigger. I pinched at my hips, belly, and thighs. I had definitely put on weight in the last year or so. I felt as if I was becoming fat, especially since I have s boyfriend who has abs.
I frowned and stared at my scared body. I had gotten better, but my self esteem was still extremely low and I still had depressive thoughts. I sighed and looked down at my body again. I want to be fatter in my boobs, not my stomach. I looked at the toilet. I want to be skinny. I want to have a slim body.
I leaned over the toilet and shoved my fingers down my throat. I felt my weak gag reflexes slowly working before I managed to purge my dinner. When I stood back, tears cascaded down my cheeks. I had promised Jungkook that I would stop. I promised him I would get better. I covered my mouth with my hands, disgusted with myself. I couldn't believe that I had broken my promise with Jungkook.
I cried in the silence of my bathroom. I wish he was here. I wish Jungkook would rush in and pick up my broken heart. I wished he would burst through that door and hold me against his body. I wish he was telling me how much he loves me.
But he wasn't.
In the morning I got dressed and skipped breakfast. I always skipped one meal each day to avoid making myself feel obese. I exited my apartment and as I was walking down the hallway to the stairs, a woman stopped me. She had clear skin and sleek black hair.
"You're the girl Jungkook's dating, right?" She asked suspiciously. I nervously agreed. No one as ever stopped me to talk about Jungkook with me. She scrunched up her nose and looked down at me. "He could do better. You probably don't have any talents, do you? I see your only talent is cutting yourself and making people feel bad for you. You know, if he dated me, I could fulfill all his needs."
I quickly looked away with a red face, why did she have to say this. What was her problem. Why did she have to target me? I sulked out of the building that day, heading to work to work on a new portfolio for a group.
Throughout the entire day I thought of her words. The way she talked about me. I was more self conscious today than I have ever been in a while. I took notice of how people stared at my arms, as if I was going to give them aids. I really wish I had a jacket today.
When I got home I trudged to my bedroom. I laid on my bed with a blank expression on my face. Jungkook could do better. He could get a girl with beautiful faces and gorgeous bodies. Why was he still with me?
    I stared at my ceiling as a tear slipped down my cheek. "You could do so much better than me you know. I'm just a rock, I'm dragging you down. I'm just deadweight for your career. I know you love me, but you really shouldn't. You should go back to the way we were before. Where you despised me and I cried over it. That's how it always is. It's how it's always supposed to be, isn't it."
    I lifted up my phone and unlocked it. I clicked on the messages app and looked through Jungkook's messages. I hesitated before clicking on the typing option. I typed up my message and left it there, unable to decide if I should send it or not. I bit my lip and closed my eyes.
    It's the way it should be.
Jungkook, I love you. From the moment you pulled up my sleeve and hugged me back at your parents house, I had always loved you. But why do you love me. You could have a woman with shiny hair that perfectly frames her face. I girl with a healthy body and large breasts who can satisfy your desires more than I ever could. I love you. And that's why I have to break up with you. I love you too much to drag you down for your entire career. Go to parties. Hook up with girls. Love your life. You can't even deny that your life would be better without me. What was the last thing I ever did for you. I relied on you and couldn't live without you. I tried to kill myself because you weren't there to stop me. You don't love me like I think you do. I'm like a child to you. You have to watch after me and protect me. What's the point of a relationship like that. I love you, and that's why I'm letting go. Just know that I love you and the rest of BTS. I love all of you. Tell Yoongi that he was the best "oppa" I've ever had. Tell Jin thank you for cooking for me when you weren't there. Tell Taehyung thank you for comforting me in the darkness. Tell Jimin thank you for helping me overcome anorexia and for trying to help me overcome bulimia. Tell Namjoon thank you for getting me to look beyond myself in my dark days. Tell Hobi thank you for being my sun when I believed there was no light left in my life.
    Thank you for loving me. But it's time to say goodbye.