Lessons I learnt from self-hatred
For once, I wish life could get a little bit easy. That it was easy to be responsible when it comes to huge responsibilities. I wish it was easy to maintain relationships. To make a person stay in your life. To have them love you forever but guess what, life is seriously not a wish-granting factory!
I hate it sometimes, you know, being so understanding that no matter what, in every situation everyone expects you to understand everything and act accordingly. I hate being able to act accordingly, being able to understand every situation. I hate having so much empathy inside me and when I am not able to take it anymore, I just blurt out how I feel and about how I don't wanna be that someone who is always expected to understand. In the end, It's no one but me who has to suffer by doing just that. I hate it.
There's nobody on earth currently other than me who can understand how hard it is to maintain relationships. How exhausting it is to maintain the role of a daughter, sister, wife, mother and in boy's case a role of a son, brother, husband and a father.
It's like being stuck in a road where there are two diversions and you can't seem to understand which path to take. Because if you choose one the other has to get hurt. AND upon that, you are expected to take a wise decision from both sides. I am at that point in my life. I am stuck and it is tiring. exhausting. everything that I can possibly think of. It's like I did not wish to be this way. I did not wish to be tied to so many relationships and rules to obey but I have to. Because I have no choice.
What I learnt from self-hatred is that sometimes nothing is under your control. You just can't do anything. Still, you are stuck in your own guilt trip that maybe just maybe if you had made a sacrifice or a compromise here and there, somewhere, everything would have been fine but NO. NO. NO. NO. It's not your fault. It's not your fault for not being able to do anything when you just couldn't think of what to do in a given situation.
It's people's fault that they started to have unrealistic expectations from you. It's their fault that they forgot that you are a human bound to make mistakes. They forgot that you are someone just like them but different in personality. They forgot that you can't please everyone on earth even if you wish to. What they don't know is, you are just a human, beautiful in your own way, blooming in your own way. What they don't realise is not everybody can value you because of how different you are. And, my dear, it's not your fault. So forgive yourself.
Free yourself from the hatred you have planted within yourself and even from the plant of self-hatred that you have watered all these years. Free yourself from every blame that you have put on yourself.
I know it's not easy. It's not at all easy. I am writing this to you so you can do it with me. I am freeing myself as I write this ( I hope so) and I am letting God be the judge of who is at fault.
Until next time,
Take care
-Em
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Lessons I learnt from life.
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