The Secrets We Keep (Formally WAIT)

Chapter 38

Trigger warning for SI!

I spent the night staring at the ceiling feeling numb. All the emotions of anger and confusion were gone and I felt nothing. I got up and got ready for school in a daze. I threw on the first thing I saw, a pair of skinny jeans and a cropped sweatshirt, and left the house.

I drove to school on autopilot and managed to collect my books for class from my locker without running into anyone. I took my seat and stared into space as the first bell rang and people started to file in.

"Hello? Earth to Lyssa?"

I rubbed my eyes and looked over to find Becca talking to me.

"Are you okay? You look like sh*t."

"Oh," I clear my throat, "yeah, sorry, didn't sleep well."

"Yeah, you could say that again," she said sitting down. "I ended up staying the night and had to rush home this morning to get ready for school."

I smile and try to pretend like nothing is wrong.

"So, what happened with you and him?"

"Um, nothing, we just talked and then he walked me to my car."

"Seriously? No juicy details?" She gave me pouty lips and I rolled my eyes playfully.

"I'll tell you more at lunch, ok?"

"Okay, fine."

I went back to my own little world until I saw Ryder in my peripheral vision sit next to me. He doesn't say hi, so I just continue to stare blankly ahead. I think class started but I honestly don't know. All I know is that the I heard a bell ring and people started to get up and walk out of class.

I stood up and slung my bag onto my shoulder. I could feel Ryder watching me, but I just followed the crowd of people out of the room and made my way to calculus. As I walked to class I noticed a door with another staircase going up was open. I don't know why, but I decided to walk inside and climb the stairs. They led me to another door which I opened and found myself on the roof of the main school building.

The crisp air felt good as it ruffled my short hair. It brought chills to my body and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I didn't mind it though, it felt good to feel something when my mind was numb. I walked over to the edge and dropped my bag on the ground. I took a step onto the ledge and stared down at the bottom.

I wonder if a fall from this height would kill me. If there's no one around will anyone notice? It would be cool to feel like I was flying as I fell.

"Lyssa," I heard a voice say from behind me. I knew who it was. I just ignored the voice.

"Lyssa," the voice said, this time closer to me, just over my shoulder.

"Lyssa, why don't you take my hand, yeah?"

I continued to stare at the concrete three stories below me.

This is all you're fault. You deserve this.

If you just jumped it would be over. Ash wouldn't be in danger, and you'd be out of the way of mom and Darren, or I guess I should call him dad.

"Lyssa, please, this is a permanent solution to a temporary situation," the voice pleaded.

"It's not temporary Ryder! It's not going to just go away," I say thick with emotion.

And it wouldn't just go away. If Darren didn't kill me, I'd have to live like this until I could graduate in 7 months. I can't let anything happen to Ashton. It would kill me if he was hurt because of me.

"Lyssa," he said softly, "please, let's just talk about this first. Take my hand, please."

I let hot tears stream down my face as the concrete blurs below me. I should just do it.

"Lyssa, if you don't come down, I'm coming up there with you."

No. God, why can't he just go away. I want to do this. I need to do this. I deserve this.

"Okay, I'm coming up there," he said dropping his backpack on the floor.

"No," I say roughly. "Please just go. Please."

"No. I'm not leaving. Are you really going to make me watch you fall? Please, we can talk through this. Just give me your hand, Lyssa."

I thought about it and I didn't want him to watch me. I wanted to do this alone. I didn't want anyone to be affected. I turned my head to see his hand outstretched.

"Please," he said again imploringly, looking into my eyes.

I look again at the ground below me and back at his hand. I hesitantly take it and he grips it tightly pulling me down from the ledge.

He wraps his arms around me and I slam against his chest yelling through sobs to let go of me. But he doesn't, he just holds me tighter.

"Shh," he says through my yelling and hitting.

Exhaustion overcomes my body and he holds me as I crumple onto the floor. He holds me in his lap as I sob into his chest.

"Shh, it's okay," he says over and over again.

"No, it's not," I say through gasps for air.

"I've got you, it's okay, shhh."

I can feel his chest rise and fall as he breaths in and out slowly. It's soothing and my crying starts to subside.

He suddenly stops rubbing my back and leans over to look at it. I defensively crawl out of his lap and sit opposite him. My eyes are wide as he gives me a concerned expression.

"Lyssa—"

"Don't," I say cutting him off, "don't."