Boondocks Random

Cindy McPhearson

Cindy POV~

To be honest, I don't remember a single good day from when I was little. I don't ever remember seeing my mom and dad happy together, I don't remember us going on family trips, or doin somethin as a family. I honestly never knew what the word family meant growing up.

It may be hard to believe but it's true. Not once did I ever experience that "family bonding" time most kids got to experience when I was little. 

I was always happy though. Strangely enough, there was always somethin that made me smile. As I think about it, even on my worst days, you'd never see me upset. 

I used think, that if I smiled, my mama would too. I used to try to stay strong for the both of us as a kid. 

As my parents argued all the time, I had most of my time to myself. I didn't have friends or siblings that could keep me company. Just a giant room with a 75 inch flat screen TV and a shit load of stuffed animals. 

I would roam the channels, not sure of what to watch but then I came upon a show.

"Who's Martin?"

Clicking the channel, the man on the screen was talking to his girlfriend Gina and would say something funny. I giggled, not even knowing why it was funny. I looked at the girl Gina. Man was she gorgeous. I wanted her light brown skin and curves. 

After that day, I continued to find different black girls that looked so beautiful in my eyes. No, I'm not being gay. But, I wanted what they had. I wanted to be black.

I was 11 when I looked in the mirror, mean muggin my pale skin. This wasn't cute to me. There were so many girls that looked just like that. This wasn't original, this was a copy. A copy of the same stereotypical white girl you'd see on the streets. 

"Mama," I went up to my mom one day. "I wanna be black."

She seemed a bit disturbed. It's not everyday your child comes up to you telling you she wants to be a different race.

"Oh Cynthia, why do you say that?"

"Because look," I lifted my phone, showing her the beauty Rihanna had. "I wanna look like her. She's got a butt and boobs and curves. I want that."

Ma only sighed, 

"I know, sweetheart. But you can't change the way you are."

I huffed, walking away. I didn't wanna be this why. I don't know why I was attracted to black culture, but I was.

The next year, I started practicing basketball. I knew it was a very popular sport in the black community and I felt like it would bring me closer to them if I knew how to play.

"You sure you wanna play," My mom looked at the other kids playing basketball in disgust, "This?"

"Yea, mom! I wanna be a really good basketball player like Kobe Bryant."

Ma only sighed, not knowing what to tell me. When I finally got good, I was starting to feel black. But I still looked in the mirror, reminded of the iPhone shaped body I had. 

As I think about it now, I don't know why my dumbass had such high standards for myself at such a young age. I wasn't even a teen yet and I wanted to be something big.

I met Caesar when I was 13. I had seen him around before but we didn't officially meet until he was in my class.

"I like your hair," I told him. He smiled,

"Thanks!"

Apparently not a lot of people tell him that often. We grew close and I started developing feelings for him. He was just so cute and so.... black. I started changing the music I listened to, to get him to like me. He didn't really noticed much, just said he listened to it too and went on with his day.

I continued to listen to the same music though. But I still came out as a preppy white girl who pronounced all her vowels and spoke clearly. 

When the Freemans came, I could tell now that they were put off by my comment.

"It must be nice to have black siblings."

It wasn't meant to come out as racist or insulting, I honestly envied them. Around that same time I met Jazmine too and boy, did she hate being black.

She complained a lot about it but I could never understand why. She was gorgeous. For only being 50% black, Jazmine looked 100%. 

"I think you look great!" I'd tell her with a smile. "I honestly wished I looked like you."

She would always smile, thanking me.

Soon, Riley was on my doorstep, giving me the opportunity to be something I always wanted.

"What if I taught you how to be a thug?"

I couldn't believe it. Me? Be a thug? 

Training took a lot of time. I honestly didn't think we'd be able to get through it. I had to change almost everything about myself. The way I talked, what I wore, how I acted. Everything had to change. 

I was a quick learner though. That shit came so easily to me, I could do it in my sleep.

When Jada helped pick out my official wardrobe, I was ecstatic. This was it. This was my time to be what I wanted. 

I still was built like a pencil though. No boobs, no butt. 

That wasn't good enough. That's not what I wanted.

I started looking online for solutions to my body problems. I remember watching thousands of Youtube videos, doing everything possible to change the way my body looked. Soon, it started to show.

When Tunk started coming around, I started getting jealous. I wanted to show Riley that even though I was white, I could be something he wanted too. But Tunk was in the way. Always asking him to hang out and do things with her. 

The day Tunk threatened me was the day Riley gained a whole new respect for me. He started hanging out with me more, giving me compliments, calling me "ma." I was in heaven.

I didn't actually start liking Riley until then. I noticed how much he didn't care about others and how they felt. If you weren't his family he didn't think you mattered and I respected that. He was also very artistic. I was happy that, that was a side of him he only shared with me.

When Robert died, that somehow brought us closer. I was mad that Riley won't telling me how he felt but the moment he kissed me, I had already knew. 

Fast foward to Chicago (cause talking about the shit with Cairo makes my head hurt) life was great. I was waking up to Reezy every mornin, getting whatever I wanted when I wanted. And don't get me started on Caesar's birthday party. MAN! All Imma tell y'all is, Reezy ain't little.

But that day I found out I was pregnant was some scaaarrryyyy shit. I didn't expect it to happen so early in my lifetime. I honestly didn't even want kids cause them lil bastards stop you from livin yo best life.

But Riley was actually excited. Like he was real life happy about that.

"You really wanna baby?" I asked him.

"Hell yea! I wanna lil Esco to walk around and be thuggin just like his mama and daddy."

I rolled my eyes. I hate that nigga.

Riley was so good at taking care of me too. He always made sure I was okay and fed. If something was wrong, he'd stop whatever he was doing to see if I was okay.

Knowing I was having his baby started to become a great feeling for me though. The life I once had, wanting to be something I wasn't, won't be something he's going to have to deal with. My baby will be what he wants and always be happy.