Ask Me ..... How i know there's a God up in the heavens!

Chapter 10 - Cleaved in Spirit

Dawn finally came and went and apparently Mary with it; I realized as I awoke and she was gone. I peered out from beneath the curtain at the children playing in the yard beyond the house and there she was pulling up water from the well. I sank back down onto my mat wondering what kind of night she had, since mine wasn't particularly productive in the realm of restful bliss. I kept waking up to the same strange, stupid dream I'd had many... centuries...ago?

Ehhh... This dream I'd thought... (hoped )...I'd forgotten until this morning.

It all started with a twelve step group I'd attended... centuries later; in the past of the future as I sit in history past or present? If that makes... whatever sense? But any ways. Survivors of Incest Anonymous, I whispered a'loud as my brain even had trouble choking out the words.

I'd listen to the women in these meetings, especially certain ones who were married, been married a long time and whose husbands were very supportive of them. They'd talk of how much their spouses loved them; regardless of the struggles of having been abused and the ladies sometimes being turned off to their husbands. They, none the less loved their men very much and I was always amazed when they'd speak of how understanding their husbands were. That was the time I started to wonder: Well, maybe being married and having that kind of husband wouldn't be so bad after all.

There were other women in the meetings too, who had 'different life styles'; some were gay and some just had boyfriends, or live-ins. The women who had good committed relationships (they were more often than not - married) would talk about how their intimate lives with their husbands were nurturing loving experiences for them. They would admit they had their problems, but as a whole, most were happily married.

"Of course he loves me". I remember one wife fondly recollecting. "He's the father of my children and he loves his kids; goes to all their games and school events. He's a good dad." Decades would pass before I'd personally realize how important that was.

The women who didn't have committed relationships seemed to only see sex as something that 'felt good'; (no relational depth). Of course it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that there can't be relational depth without commitment.

Any how; until that point in my life (I think I was 18 years old) the only sexual experience I'd ever had, was being molested. All my experiences were negative and some people's were positive and that's what was intriguing to me.

Before and after meetings, I would usually take a walk. The cemetery my maternal grandmother was buried in sat right next to the building where my meetings were held. I always sensed there was some ironic symbolism there; since the same incestuous scenario had been played out in her home too. My mother was abused by her own brother and my grandmother - like my mother, never handled the disclosure very well.

'The iniquities of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation...' Well, I was the third link in this chain that I was aware of and the determining factor that I wasn't going to pass this same mess on to my children, sat in the building across the yard. How many of us are willing to face these issues and get help if only for ourselves, regardless of whether or not we ever produce offspring? Either way, my future generations were the furthest thing from my mind at that point. I was the one that needed the help - not them and that's why I kept coming back week after week.

As I'd walk, I would listen to what was (to me at least), a grand new discovery; gospel music, or rather more accurately - contemporary Christian music. I liked the songs because they talked about a man who never sinned and for me that was important, since I felt I could trust someone who I knew wouldn't hurt me.

Shortly after that; I had this dream.

I dreamt I was... well (not sure there's a 'polite' way of saying this)? Errr... cuddled up oh so close to this man who cared deeply for me; affectionally doing things that felt like no experience I'd ever had before. I just clung to him and squealed eagerly. He could do what he pleased and I was pleased to let him, because I knew he was committed to the protection of my being. I'd been swept up and carried into this place where I could earnestly relinquish all I didn't even know I possessed to total surrender; because for once in my life I knew I was completely safe!