Ask Me ..... How i know there's a God up in the heavens!

Chapter 20 - No Man's Land

With a groggy start, I took a deep breath and looked around. What was I doing in this field anyways and what strange dreams I've been having? I said to myself as I stretched my feet out in front of me. I looked down, only to notice that I was still wearing Jewish robes and finally resigned myself to the fact that... at least this field I was sitting in; wasn't a dream. I was still in the first century (whatever that really means) and the events that came filtering back from the night before, probably did actually happen. Yeah, but woah, what strange dreams? I wiped my face as a flood of nervous feelings began to surface.

I thought about the first dream with the butterflies and the bridge and wondered what it meant? Most of it was pretty clear; I could see what was going on, although the end of it didn't make much sense. Everything else had happened and the more I pondered these occurrences, along with the words to the song that reflected such events; the pieces fit together. I understood the very end. I was finally free, like a butterfly; but how that freedom was going to come out of me attempting to kill myself, I could not fathom? How can my own insanity ever set me free? I wondered.

I don't know? I finally decided as I put that one aside and moved on to the next dream. Now, I've had a lot of nightmares about Desert Storm, but that one was just plain... weird! I chuckled to myself as I thought about the symbolism. Never ending love is what they (or rather we) had found. Yes, absolutely! That is indeed what I found and funny how the war brought me to that? I considered as I pondered the role of the Iraqis in the dream. I guess redemption is a funny thing in that respect. The grace of God knows no boundaries and just because you might be on opposite sides of a human conflict; you never know who you're going to end up next to in eternity!

Speaking of eternity! Another time and another place? Yeah, uh huh! I'm never going to be able to hear that song again and not have this dream stuck in my head. I grumbled. It's really not fair! I kind of liked that song and now it's ruined. It ain't ever going to be the same again. I continued complaining a moment or two; trying to real my thoughts in. Find a good Bible verse! I told myself, as I figured that would take care of my problem. The only phrase that came to mind though was: "anxiously awaiting the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" and that wasn't exactly where I wanted to go. Don't think that's quite what that means! I finally started to laugh, since in a strange sort of warped way; it was funny.

Well, Father forgive me; was all I could say as I let out a sigh and just decided to let it go. I felt a twinge of sadness; since for some reason I didn't understand, I got a lot of comfort out of my stupid dreams. I don't know, maybe I really am warped. I tried not to cry as I struggled to admit that I really didn't want to let it go. It was scary and comforting, mind-boggling and yet made a lot of sense; all at the same time?

I began to realize that whatever was going on - dream or not; was working on some subconscious part of my mind. All my unresolved issues that I attempted to bury for so long were rising up to revolt, while all my theological knowledge and academic Bible learnings were sinking down to a depths that became ever and ever increasingly hard to reach. It was still down there somewhere and much of the happenings I had witnessed around me only confirmed its validity; yet at the same time, I couldn't figure out why all my emotions had suddenly gone absolutely haywire? I guess maybe I was scared at the prospect of confronting myself? There are a lot of things about me I didn't want to look at and what made me think God would find my dirty little secrets anymore redeemable than I did? I wondered as I flopped over onto the rippling wheat stalks, which were waving toward heaven. The tears flooded out once more, as I wished I could just dissolve into the soil beneath me.

What felt like hours had passed, although it also seemed like time was standing still. The sun hadn't moved very far, as I finally pushed myself up with an ironic disappointment that there was no way I could melt into the ground. I forced myself to my feet for a good look around, since I didn't know where I was, or how I was going to get back to the house?