My Dear Butler

40. Resolve

Agony. Anguish. Torment. Suffering. Torture.

These words are all synonyms that describe the same thing, but none of them can describe the pain I am feeling now.

Knowing that I had indirectly caused your death, it hurt even more.

I'm afraid to touch your hand, for I feel like I've lost the right to do so anymore.

Please hold my hand.

I had betrayed your only wish, for a chance to save your life. For you're the only person I have left.

Everyone I've ever known, ever loved... were all gone. Everyone except you.

As Leeteuk released me from my restraints, I immediately dashed over to you, trying to stifle my sobs as I braced myself for the worst. I felt a pang of anguish as I digested the sight of your bloodied, bruised face, a trickle of red escaping the side of your lips. Seeing your tattered, fragile, worn out body lay so helplessly in front of me...

All of this happened because I couldn't defend myself.

My fingers unconsciously stroked your jawline and cheek, over that old scar that you earned from the previous confrontation that brought back unpleasant memories.

It didn't happen only once, but twice...

I hate being so weak.

I hate being so pitiful.

My hands moved up your face and swept aside your bangs, revealing your closed eyes and your eyebrows that were still knitted together from enduring the earlier pain.

Your chest rose and fell ever so slightly, indicating each breath, and I exhaled a shuddering sigh in relief.

Now, if only you would open your eyes and spare me a glance...

I wish I could.

Not that I deserved it. Even if you did, I knew you wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.

I felt Leeteuk's eyes burning into the back of my skull as my hands drifted down to yours, and I hesitatingly hold it. I shut my eyes tightly as my heart shattered.

It was so cold.

Your hand is so warm.

Why couldn't I fight for myself?

Why am I so useless?

Everything you've ever done for me, I couldn't possibly repay you.

Feeling a pair of hands on my shoulder, I winced as the spark that had dwindled down so long ago was suddenly rekindled once more.

This is the least I can do for you.

I instinctively felt up your right sleeve, my fingers quickly finding the cool metal.