Perfectly Scarred

The Trip to Grave

Jisoo and I barely speak. I know she still feels awkward but I can also tell she's maddened by my silence with her. I can sense her shouting at me that this wasn't her fault. She's telling me that she feels guilty enough without me having to make her feel any worse. And I respond to all that with silence. I was the one who would have done exactly what I was told, not her but she chose to stood there, watching me in horror instead of backing me up.

For her to suddenly become me and for me to become her is the most odd twist of all. Maybe this is my karma after all. I am wearing her clothes, I am feeling her insecurities, and she is suddenly silent, biting her tongue that she could never silence before. I am no longer allowed to step foot outside my house, to be free without having to worry about the curfew but now I do.

Most of all, I miss Lalisa. My heart is broken and I need her. I can't understand why she hasn't found me yet when I'm all over the news, when the reporters are always outside my house. Is she ashamed of me too? This hurts more than any branding.

After what happened with Lara, I give up on the school cafeteria, I read books in the library, sitting on a beanbag in the corner and getting lost in somebody else's troubles and victories. I am not really the type of girl who reads fiction, I prefer real life but for the past few days, I've been devoting my time reading them. I can now understand why people read, why they like to get lost in somebody else's life. Sometimes I found myself wanting to reach out and tell the characters that I understand them, that they are not alone and it's okay to feel like this.

As the lunch bell rings, the books closes and I'm taken back to reality.

Today, I'm too tired to read. I haven't been sleeping well as I've been forcing myself to stay awake because my dreams keep turning into nightmares of the Branding chamber but lately, they've focused on Lalisa. It's her and I'm watching her being seared. She's looking at me, crying with blood in her eyes.

I wonder where she is? She told me she'd find me. When? Has she decided not to? Does she need my help? I have thoughts of her often, so often that she has started to appear in my nightmares. I tried searching for her, Lalisa Failure but nothing appears, it doesn't help me learn anything about her. I don't know her surname. I don't know anything about her, where she's from, what she even did to become a failure. Or If she's found to be a failure, too but a wild guess tells me she was. I wonder about her punishment for being there for me in the branding chamber, and I hope someone is there for her, that someone offered her peace as she did to me.

Suddenly, I hear a noise and I jump as Leo appears

"Hey" he calls joyfully "I've been looking for you."

"Me?" I say in surprise

He hands me an envelope. He's always so confident, but right now, he seems shy "invitation to my eighteenth. This friday."

"Thank you" I smile.

"The directions are inside. You'll come? I mean, please come to my party" he holds my eye

I hold the invitation, feeling unsure "uhm, why?"

He laughs " why what?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"the whole class is invited. Couldn't leave you out. You're still the Roseanne that I know, nothing will change" he smiles genuinely

"I don't think they'll want me there, Leo."

"Well, I do" he says determined. "Are you coming or not?"

"Okay. Thanks" I feel my grin take iver my whole face. As soon as he leaves, I squeal excitedly. Maybe things won't be so bad after all. Maybe things can change.