emotions, jack gilinsky

40

amara rahman

i scan his face for any sense of emotion as he watches the video. i realize how intently he'd been watching, and let out a small scoff.

he glances at me briefly, "what? nothing i haven't seen before."

"shut up. is there any proof that it's me?"

cj looks back down at the phone, and my leg began to shake with nervousness. "chill out. there's no proof it's you, besides the skin tone..and uh, your voice."

my eyes widen slightly, and i bite down on my lip. "she's gonna do it today. i shouldn't even be standing here with you right now."

"i'll just tell them that it wasn't you." he shrugs, "simple."

"it's not that simple." i point out. "everyone knows we had a thing a month ago. they'll know you're lying."

"then just get over it, amara. it's not a big deal."

i furrow my eyebrows at him, "i know it's easy for you to say, considering everyone in the town knows what your dick looks like. but i don't want people to see me like that."

"you think i wanted people to see it?" he asks. "but i got over it."

"well, i'm not like you." i frown, "you should know that."

"i do know that." he fusses. "you're acting like i've never known you. whatever, just let me handle it."

"what's in it for you?" i mutter. "i'm already gonna press charges when it comes out."

his eyes widen, and he'd remained silent for a few seconds. "the fuck? you can't..you can't do that, amara. i told you i was sorry. i wasn't even the one that leaked it! why would i?"

his face went from calm to flustered in the last few seconds, and i shrug. "get over it."

i turn to leave before feeling his grip on my shoulder, turning me back. "amara..don't do it. if there's somewhere in you, deep down, that still cares about me, please don't do it. this will ruin everything."

"what do i owe you?" i ask, "you spent weeks gathering a fucking cult of people who thought nothing but shitty things about me. and you used me for sex the entire summer while saying shit behind my back..should i continue?"

"and i tried proving to you that i was sorry." his eyes were still widened, and i could sense how scared he'd actually been. "amara..i swear on my life that i didn't leak that video. that was private..for us—" the bell rings, and the hall begins to quiet down as people shuffle into their classrooms.

"i need to go."

he loosens his grip on my shoulder, allowing me to leave his side. "i love you, amara."

i pretend not to hear him, swinging the door of my class open and entering without giving him a second glance.

millions of things were running through my mind, but i stopped them all. right now, i just need to focus on holding my head high.

+

i stared at the coffee cup sitting in front of me, rubbing my shoulders to brush off the cold weather still attached to my body. i figured if anything went down during lunch, i could as least save some type of embarrassment coming towards me and instead head to the starbucks across the street.

usually, there's a good amount of students from my school here for lunch, but today it was relatively empty. and that made me nervous.

i thought about everyone's reaction when they hear what gloria was going to say, what they would think of me. what jack would think of me.