Rogue Undecided

.:~Chapter twelve~:.

"She lives in a fairytale,

Somewhere to far for us to find.

She's forgotten the taste and smell,

of the world that she's left behind.

It's all about the exposure,

the lens I told her.

The angles were all wrong now,

She's ripping wings off of butterflies.

Keep your feet on the ground,

When your head's in the clouds.

Well go get your shovel,

And we'll dig a deep hole.

To bury the castle,

Bury the castle."

I brought the bottle to my lips again, taking another mouthful of the powerful whiskey that was working wonders for my damaged mind. When I moved here, I managed to sneak a crate of different bottles of alcohol under my bed. I knew that I would need the alcohol eventually. Whether it was because I was throwing a party, or I just wanted to be a rebel and get drunk out of my mind and throw it in Emily and Jim's faces'. I never would have thought that it would be because I wanted to drown my sorrows in the bottom of the bottle. I didn't think that I would be so affected by Jared's words, but something in me was completely crushed. It showed when I made it to my room and the first thing that I did was grab a bottle of whiskey and collapse to the floor. I took another drink. The tears still came.

"So one day he found her crying,

Coiled up on the dirty ground.

Her prince finally came to save her,

And the rest you can figure out.

But it was a trick,

And the clock struck twelve.

Well make sure, to build your house brick by boring brick,

Or the wolf's gonna blow it down."

I turned my music up so loud that you could here it in Hong Kong. I couldn't resist the urge to sing along at the top of my lungs. All of the sorrow, all of the pain, all of the rejection, it came bubbling up to the surface. It broke the lock to the door that I had it hiding behind, and it filled my body, it consumed the air around me, and it became everything. I clutched my chest as more sobs over-took my body. It was almost like I was trying to keep my heart from shattering even more than it already was. I laid back on the floor and looked up at the ceiling. I was aware of the screams that were filling the room, and after awhile I realized that they were coming from me. I sounded like a wounded animal; a broken girl with nothing left. I cried harder as the pain became too much. The alcohol did nothing anymore.

"Well you built up a world of magic,

Because your real life is tragic.

Yeah, you built up a world of magic!"

My ten year old self walking outside and finding my parents' dead bodies laying at my feet. Being captured and tortured for months. My grandmother's funeral. My aunt's dead body laying at my uncle's feet as he screamed at the sky in pure agony. My grandfather screaming at me, telling me that it was my fault that my grandmother was dead. All of the many things that I have kept locked up for so long came back in waves, and I couldn't stop it.

Pain, remorse, guilt, sorrow, depression, anger, desperation, and so much more. It filled me whole.

I screamed louder as the threw my bottle up against the wall, and watched as the bottle shattered. Shards of glass flew everywhere. But what really caught my attention was the particularly large jagged piece of glass that landed at my feet.