writing with all of my life - dated writings

12/28/2015: I am NOT better

I am NOT better, like the title says.

I am simply another girl of this world.
I am not strong, brave, wise, nor perfect.
I am not trying to portray a picture of perfection.
I am trying to portray a picture of reality.

I don't listen at times, and I can be selfish too. I follow a life that has no meaning, purpose nor clear destination. I simply seem to float along with time and let things carry me to shore. But when the wind and current flow the opposite direction, I end up in the middle of the endless ocean. My body gets tired, my arms and legs no longer move. I freeze in the water, with sharks swimming down at my feet. But I give up and I give in to my error. My hubris, the flaw that causes my downfall. And like that I am drowning in my own acts. First my feet and legs that took me everywhere. Second, my stomach that resisted such bad behavior from me, but still it got through. Then, my back that carried all the guilt of my darkest crimes and secrets. My arms are next. The arms that lifted all the weights that life set my way. My neck that suffered constantly due to its responsibility at connecting everything and through it all. And finally, my head. The head that worked so much. The head that so smart got after all the years in school. But also the head who came up with the worse of thoughts.

Now, while bathing among fishes and corals of all imaginable colors, I have realized how stupid my head has been, all along. While my grades proved my high level of intelligence, this was belied by what I had been doing, all along. I was being stupid, naive, blind, a coward, and extremely cruel to myself. I wish I could take it back. Everything. All that I though, said and did. To myself and others. I am young, reckless and foolish, that's the truth. And I need you to know it. I have never hit so low in life. I am still struggling to get back up. I have no one to save myself, other than me.

So you see, I am not who you think.

Whenever I am ready I know I will push myself forward, because there's a sure tomorrow. I will tell my arms and legs to work, together with my stomach,feet, and shoulders. And despite the enormous error that my head made, I will forgive it. Like I said in one of my last posts, we cannot judge people for their past, but we can't judge things either.

As soon as I forgive myself for being so childish, I will be able to move on. Life carries on. The waves still rock along with the wind, and maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next month, or next year, I will be strong enough to ride them all the way back to shore.

I am wrong.
I am weak.
I am sorry I fall so deep.
Into the giant swirls I swim.
And I want you to understand a few things:

I am not perfect.
I am just me.
I am not better.
But I will be.