writing with all of my life - dated writings

8/7/2015: To us dreamers...

I had just texted my friend about the dream I had during the night. She was as surprised as I was. Actually, I wasn't surprised, I was freaked out. How could I have dreamed about love? About a guy? After so long, I was sure I wasn't going to dream ever again, and I started to wonder if there was anything wrong with me. But then, there I finally was. The dream felt so real and concrete. I could feel and touch. I could see everything clearer than ever, except one thing; his face. What was the most important thing to my understanding was missing. And as I waited for a reply to another freak-out-text, deija vu struck me with a thousand volts. I remembered what I was wondering as an act from the past. Back then I also wondered why I couldn't understand completely what I had just dreamed, and I was so frustrated to have to acknowledge that I would never figure out a possible clue from the dream, that I gave up. But I wasn't going to give up today. I had a feeling that the key to my understanding was near me, living under the same roof. And so, I started to search through my extensive collection of books. I found a good starting point to look within my little encyclopedias for the possible answer to the new conundrum that life had set my way. After looking through some hundred pages my mind begin to think that my search was as asinine as looking for a needle in a haystack, like my mom used to say. But suddenly I came upon the little book of The Little Prince. It felt light in my hands and it was funny to even attempt to think that my answer was lying withing its few pages; few, compered to my vampire series books. I started to look carefully and cautiously for any mark that I might have left when I read it for the first time and indicating a relevant quote or thematic idea. My eyes opened wide and the corners of my mouth curved up when my sight met with the quote, my answer: "what is essential is invisible to the eye". I was excited to the bone, and shocked at how large the point made by the author of this little book was. I was so proud of myself for not giving up, I just couldn't. Just like you can't say no to adult or old person, simply out of politeness and ethnicity. You know what I mean? These are the conclusions I made out of the quote, after much analyzing and reflecting:

The reason why I couldn't make out the guys face in my lovely dream was because it was essential for me to know in that instant. It was necessary for me. But if I had paid more attention to the surroundings and my feelings, I wouldn't have mistaken what I really needed it to know back then. If only I had realized that I was missing out on what really was essential, I wouldn't have paid too much attention to the guy sitting next to me in the dream. So it took me a while to realize that I didn't need to know who the guy possibly was, although I was obviously curious. What I really needed to know was how where I was standing made me feel; if I was happy or not; if I felt that it was all enough; if I believed that that fairy tale could happen in this world, in that moment, and to me. I despised the realization because my simple curiosity to know who he was had turned into a guessing of my feelings, and that was even harder to figure out. Sometimes I wished life didn't make me wonder so much. I would probably never now how I felt in my dream, but a part of me said that it was a simple dream for a reason; that it wasn't supposed to be real; and that it was my responsibility to interpret it however I wanted.

That night I went to bed more ready than ever. And while I knew that the dream wasn't supposed to come true, curiosity filled me and I wanted more. I had in mind that guessing my feelings wouldn't be possible, or at least, easy. But you know what? Let me keep dreaming and maybe one day I will know how I felt. No one can keep me from dreaming; there I am free; there my life can turn on its feet and still I'll be alright, because it's dream. It's my concrete, undeniable and visible right to enjoy the pleasure of dreaming and to wonder what my dreams mean. I know though, that happier than right now I wasn't in there, not even with him. I must believe my life is my best dream of all. And with these different but similar interpretive words I say goodnight, and I hope you believe and wonder about your dreams, too. To all of us dreamers out there! This one is for you all.

Buenas noches
Bona nit
Gute Nacht
Bon nuit