love letters ; tyrus

.14

warning: strong language
the clock in cyrus' bedroom read 1:42 a.m. the red flashing light from the alarm flickered, softly lighting up every corner of the boys room.

the rain outside danced on the window, tapping a steady beat that cyrus desperately tried to focus on. he was wide awake and the butterflies in his stomach didn't help that fact. he felt extremely nauseous, and he knew exactly why.

it was the guilt of every event with tj, hitting him all at once. it's been a week since he's found out that tj was his secret admirer, and it's been eating his insides ever since. he felt completely empty. it wasn't because of the fact tj liked him, that was the only thing keeping him from completely disintegrating, but it was the fact that he knew and tj had no idea. he knew how crushed tj would be if he found out the truth. tj made it very clear he never wanted cyrus to know, but cyrus has to go and find out. if he never asked buffy for his number, he wouldn't be in this mess.

if he didn't fall in love with tj kippen, he would be in this mess.

cyrus could feel his throat closing up on him, beginning to suffocate him. he let out a strained cry, feeling the blood rush to his head. the tears he was desperately trying to hold back, exploded from his eyes, creating their own storm on his face.

he couldn't take it anymore. the pain was swallowing him whole. he felt disgusted with himself. he needed to do something about it.

his body began to move for him, as if he was a robot. his arm made its way to the bedside table in search for his phone. everything was happening too fast for cyrus to process it. he didn't even remember clicking on tj's contact, and he definitely didn't remember hitting call.

his breathing hitched as he swallowed his cries. he still had no recollection of what he was doing as his body worked on auto pilot.

the ringing stopped, and his body knew what to do. tj picked up, and it was now or never.

"i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry." he repeated, almost inaudibly. "i can't do—i can't do this." he gasped for air, feeling his breathing quicken.

tj was dumbfounded. he couldn't ask what was going on, obviously, but he wanted to so badly. his heart shattered into a million pieces as he listened to cyrus break on the other end.

"i-i'm a horrible person. i feel so guilty, i'm so sorry."

tj wanted nothing more than to hold that boy in his arms as tightly as he could. he wanted to shower him with kisses and compliments. to tj, cyrus was the best person in the world. he was an angel. he loved him more than anything.

"i should've never asked buffy for your number, i ruined everything, i'm so sorry—i'm so sorry, tj."

tj's jaw dropped, feeling his whole world crashing down around him. he instantly felt sick to his stomach. he knew.

so he did the one thing he thought of doing. he hung up.

of course he didn't do it to hurt cyrus even more. he did it because he couldn't stand the embarrassment. cyrus was never supposed to know how hopeless of a romantic he was. cyrus was never supposed to know his love for poetry. cyrus was never supposed to know he was madly in love with him.

"i'm so sorry." cyrus whispered into the phone,  knowing tj wasn't on the other line anymore. he was completely broken and the life drained out of him in that very moment. he was past the point of tears and panic. he was now in a state of nonexistence. he was only just a mass that made up this world, and that's all he was. everything was gone.
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buffy and andi exchanged worried looked as they walked up to the lunch table the next morning. they instantly knew something was up with cyrus. his stare was cold and his face was blank. his movements were very small, practically almost gone. all the effort has left his body, and they could see that. they've never seen cyrus like this. ever.

"cyrus, what's wrong." buffy anxiously asked, sitting down in the seat next to him. cyrus didn't even realize they were there. he was too caught up in his subconscious to notice anything. "cyrus, please, you're freaking me out." she placed her hand softly on his shoulder  and he mentally acknowledged her presence.

"are you ok?" buffy repeated, tightening her grip on his shoulder.

"fine." he mumbled out, using a lot of his energy to muster up those words.

"cyrus, seriously, i can see something's wrong. i'm here for you, ok. i just want to help." buffy whispered and andi nodded her head, reaching across the table to pick up cyrus' hands. she instantly noticed that his grasp was weak. it was like his body gave out, and his muscles were limb.

"it's whatever." cyrus spoke in a monotonous tone.

"andi start talking about something that makes him happy, maybe we can cheer him up." buffy whispered, trying to brainstorm ideas.

andi thought for a moment, looking at cyrus. "i don't think i've ever seen you happier than when you talk about your secret admirer. do you have your notes with you, maybe you could read—"

"shut up." cyrus hissed, causing andi to flinch, instantly dropping her hands from his.

"cyrus she was just trying to hel—"

"shut up!" he screamed, slamming his fists into the table. he whipped his head around, staring buffy dead in the eye.

she's never been afraid of cyrus before, but in this moment, she was completely terrified. "i don't want to talk about my stupid fucking secret admirer and how it's tj fucking kippen." cyrus yanked his backpack over his shoulder and stood up, slamming his chair backwards. he was livid. it just reminded him more of how much of a horrible person he felt like.

he stormed out o the cafeteria, leaving the two girls shocked at what they just witnessed.

"holy shit."
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(a/n: IM SO SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED IN A HOT MINUTE. school is just really stressful right now and i have NO time to write. i'm sorry ahh)