love letters ; tyrus

.17

"but what if i don't want to."

cyrus' words from hours before swarmed around in tj's brain like buzzing bees. he lied there in complete darkness, snuggling up in his soft comforter, as he squeezed his eyes shut.the soft hums of his playlist on spotify played quietly in the background, but he payed no mind to it. he was too caught up in one sentence for anything else.

his heart felt foreign to him. he's never felt the feeling of heartache before he met cyrus goodman. his chest physically hurt. he had no idea what the boy could've meant by "but what if i don't want to." i mean sure he had ideas, but he didn't want to get his hopes up.

he was too nervous to ask cyrus what he meant in the moment. all he could do was stare at cyrus' quivering lips in perplexity. lucky for tj, he was soon saved by the bell.

although now he wishes he wasn't. nothing hurt more than a broken heart. nothing could compare to the burning ache he felt and the heavy weight on his shoulders.

the song that was currently playing fell quiet as it came to an end, only for a new one to start up. but this time, it caught tj's attention.

"i should have stayed at home
'cause right now i see all these people that love me, but i still feel alone."

best friend by rex orange county.

'great.' tj thought to himself and groaned, shoving his face into his pillow.

"i could have made you mine,
but no it wasn't meant to be and see i wasn't made for you and you weren't made for me
though it seemed so easy..."

tj didn't mean to, but he found himself taking every word to heart. it was like this song was made for him.

"and that's because i wanna be your favorite boy.
i wanna be the one that makes your day.
the one you think about as you lie awake."

oh how tj desperately wanted to be the one that made cyrus' day more than anything in the world. although he didn't know it, he was and he was for a while.

"i can't wait to be your number one
i'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine."

"tj." he was startled out of his thoughts by a familiar voice at the door. on occasions he would hear the squeak of his sisters voice from the other end of his room, wanting to come in. he was used to it by now.

"amber?" he spoke softly. he didn't ask because he wanted to know why she was here, he asked bc he wanted to know what she wanted.

"i can't sleep over your the sounds of your pity party." she joked, crawling onto tj's bed and making her way over to him. that was how the kippen's showed affection. they made jokes out of everything because being serious was not in their nature.

"sorry." tj apologized, reaching over to turn his music off.

"what's on your mind, buttercup?" amber purred, running her fingers through her brothers hair, trying to calm him down. although he didn't physically look upset, he was tense and amber could sense his sorrow from a mile away.

"i just feel like an idiot." tj admitted. "a confused idiot."

"and why is that?" amber poked, trying to get more out of the emotionally reserved boy.

"i made a mistake and now someone i care about hates me. but they don't actually hate me? i'm so confused." tj groaned and squeezed his eyes shut yet again.

"i bet she doesn't hate you, you're just overthinking it. care to explain?" amber twisted tj's dirty blonde locks in between her fingers. it was just as calming to her as it was to tj.

"him." tj whispered and it was barley audible, but amber was just able to make it out. she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. she wasn't in shock you could say, but she just wasn't expecting it. she never really thought about her brothers sexuality like it. after a couple of seconds, it seemed like all of the puzzle pieces started to fit together. everything was making sense.

her lips curled up into a smile, although tj couldn't see. "well then he doesn't hate you, tj. anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives."

tj let out a breath of relief and smiled to himself. he knew amber would accept him, it was just hard for him to get the words out.

"can i take a wild guess? it's cyrus isn't it." tj felt his face getting hotter with every second that went by. was he really that obvious?

"i—"

"you don't have to tell me." amber stated. " i already know the answer is yes." she smirked as she heard a small chuckle escape tj's lips.

"you're good, amber."

"i know i am."

tj felt happy for the first time in a while. he was beyond grateful for his sister and the moments that they shared like this. he knew out of everybody in the whole world, that if their was anybody who had his back, it was her. she was there for him until the very end, and nobody could take that bond away from them.

"so you wanna tell me what's going on?"

tj gulped and scanned his brain for the earliest memory he could think of that related to cyrus.

"it all started in the park across the street.."

a/n sorry there's probably a lot of mistakes in this one. also i'm so sorry, i know i said i was going to update more, but i have really bad writers block with this book for some reason. like i can't think of where i want the story to go, so just bare with me please. love you all!!!! thanks for reading!!