Forced Vows

Confused

But...

There had been times where I had felt special, it was a feeling I missed too much. It had been a time where I had been happy, carefree, positive and I looked forward to waking up in the morning. I didn’t want the day to end. I was happy and that was a feeling I had forgotten to feel. I had read about breakups and watched movie scenes, but never had I thought I would feel so depressed, as if my air pipe had been tied into knots so it was hard to breathe.

How could I ever have imagined that this would be my life in a few months? How on earth had things gotten to this? How come I never got that happiness everybody deserves? Why did I have to felt married to someone like Evelyn? Was I actually going to live my life like this?

It took me a few seconds to realise that I was shaking. Not because I was cold, but because tears were running uncontrollably down my cheeks, shuddering through me, so much that it was hard to breathe.

Why were men such jerks? Why did Jacob do that? What did I ever do to him? Why did he lie? Cheat? Why on earth did he get engaged to me? And now, how dare that pig Evelyn treat me as if I was somewhat below him? as if I should do everything he said!

After a few minutes the pain died down a little and I got slowly into my clothes. I twisted my still wet hair into a bun and stared at the bathroom mirror in front of me. My eyes were red and swollen, my hands were still trembling, my face was pale, paler than usual and my eyes were dull, lifeless. I was tired of seeing that reflection look back at me. It had been too long since I had actually been happy.

I finally walked to the door, unlocking it and glancing out. It was much colder outside the bathroom. I walked slowly to my temporary bedroom, wavering outside the door. I sighed and opened the door slowly and stepped inside. I could feel his eyes on me from the second I walked in, I turned, cautiously closing the door before making my way to the bed. I ignored his presence and climbed into the bed, turning to face the wall. I couldn’t sleep. There was still a dull ace in the depth of my chest. I could feel the top of my arms slightly bruised by my earlier encounter with Evelyn. The memory brought angry tears to my eyes which made me even angrier. For gods sake stop crying Hazel! Get over it! I screamed to myself inside my head.

There was a minutes silence before I felt someone turn me to face the other side. I pulled my arm away, closing my eyes quickly and retreated back to the wall, shrugging off his hand. I could feel his eyes examining my face, if I was lucky he would not know how one looked when water leaking out of his eyes.

He didn’t say anything for a minute. “You were crying” he said bluntly. Damn it. I never get what I want or need for survival purposes of dignity.

I didn’t bother replying. Why should I? I was asleep, well I had my eyes closed and I wasn’t talking which is the same thing actually you know, if you think about it.

“Hazel”

So he did know my name! Golly good chap! Deserved a medal he did, spiffing fellow.

“I’m trying to sleep” I said finally, bothering to open my eyes. I stared at him wearily, I could hardly see him through the darkness but the moon was illuminating my face for everyone to see. Just in case they didn’t realize that I had been crying. Just to make it obvious. I closed my eyes again, trying to ignore his staring.

“Aren’t you going to listen to what I’m going to say?” he asked after a few seconds.

I opened my eyes once again. “Are you going to apologize?” I asked, my voice came out quieter than I had intended. God I was tired of feeling so- so- broken.

“I don’t know why I should apologize, or what I would be apologising for, women just cry easily, I’ve noticed it’s not hard to make you cry” he said bluntly.