i just want you to know who i am

Chapter 21

A sigh escaped Cheryl's lips as she went through her closet. Thanksgiving was coming up and someone at church was organizing a clothing drive to donate to those less fortunate in town. She was having a hard time deciding what to donate. She didn't like any of her clothes anymore, with the exception of a few. But she couldn't exactly donate everything. She packed away a few sweaters that she rarely wore. Anything with kittens, horses, or embellished unicorns on it were definitely being donated, as much as she loved those just a few years ago. They came with memories of Toni that she would rather put behind her.

"Cheryl, your father and I are going to the Cooper's for tea, would you like to join us?" her mother knocked, poking her head in. The tension in the house hadn't been as bad lately. She was still seeing Toni behind her parents' backs, but only after school if it was possible. She was home for dinner every night and she obeyed their wishes, even working extra hard to keep the house clean so they didn't have to ask. But every smile she gave them was fake. She had to force herself to kiss their cheeks and tell them that she loved them, even though she rarely heard it back. But if that was what it took to keep them off her back, then she could deal with it.

"No thank you, Mommy. I'm still deciding what to donate for Ms. Robinson's clothing drive," she said sweetly.

"All right well, we'll tell Elizabeth you said hello," Penelope nodded.

"Thank you," the youngest Blossom called as her mother left the room. Once she heard the sound of the front door closing and her father's Firebird rev down the driveway, Cheryl sighed, going to plop down on her bed. She was so tired of these four walls and the bland white ceiling above her. While her bedroom was the size of half of Toni's trailer, she wished that she was there now, curled up with her girlfriend on her twin bed. The size of the space didn't matter as long as she could be with her.

She'd just seen her at school yesterday, but she missed Toni like crazy. She was finally starting to understand all the romantic songs she heard on the radio. She never understood why people insisted on talking so much about their boyfriends and girlfriends. But the persistent image of Toni's smile in her head made her understand. Keeping the image in her head, she reached under her mattress for her sketchbook, eyebrows furrowing when her fingers met with something else. She pulled it out and swallowed hard.

The Young Girl's Guide to Sex and Puberty

It was the book Toni had given her a few weeks ago. She'd completely forgotten about it. Flipping through the pages, she found herself glancing at detailed diagrams of the reproductive system and little cartoons of preteen girls going through bodily changes. While she wasn't an expert on the subject, she knew about puberty. Maybe not the minor facts and details that the book had listed, but she knew enough, considering she'd gone through it. Mrs. Cooper had actually been the one to teach her about hygiene products, since she had first gotten her period while she was at Betty's house for a sleepover. She was grateful for her best friend's mother, because she would have been too scared to confide in her own.

She paused when she approached the second half of the book. The word 'sex' in big letters on the page had her fingers shaking nervously, not sure what to expect when she flipped to the next. But she held her breath and bravely turned the page, biting the inside of her cheek. Just like the puberty portion of the book, there were diagrams and cartoons that made her feel like she was looking at some kind of pornography. She felt like she had to check her surroundings to make sure no one was reading over her shoulder, despite the fact that she was alone in her own bedroom. Turning the pages, she bit her lip as she read about STD's and the risk of pregnancy that came without using some kind of contraception.

"So you've never touched yourself? Or had an orgasm?" Toni's voice was in her head as she remembered the conversation they had just before she gave her the book. She had seen the word 'orgasm' a few times throughout this chapter. It told her what it was, but never once did it explain what it was like. All it gave her was statistics and a list of the most common erogenous zones. "You would know if you have, trust me," Toni's lightly chuckling voice in her memories made her sigh. A small part of Cheryl wished that her girlfriend was here to explain these things to her, but a much larger part was way too embarrassed to even tell her that she had read the book.