H.E.R.

She Helped Me

Dr. Davidson

I saw as her face fell back to the picture, those blue eyes turned to caress the picture. 

"She's beautiful."

"Thank you." She moved a red strand from her face.  

Her eyes turned back to me, she searched for something in my face. 

She looked at my ring finger. "Can we have lunch or dinner one of these days?"I asked one more time as she had said no last time.

"um.." she was debating to accept, "I have..."

"The girls to look after?"

She nodded, "sorry..." she placed the frame back and walked towards me towards the exit. 

I had to stop her, "what's wrong?" I took hold of her arm, trying to grab her wrist.

"Nothing..." she looked down at our hands and removed it. 

"You been avoiding me..." she took a step back not looking at me. 

"No, I have been busy..."

"It's about the third time I ask you for a coffee, and I get the 'I'm busy' response."

"Well I am." 

"You're mad."

"No."

"I'm sorry I never called...." 

"You know me so well, you should have started with an apology from the start." 

She opened the door and closed it behind her, leaving me alone in my office. 

How do I tell the love of my life I was raped two months after I left her house, spend days in and out of rehab to get better for my child? how do I tell her I wanted to abort every single day for three whole months? how do I tell her because of her I looked at all positive things? how do I tell her I had sleepless nights for years to keep my promise? to be better for her? how do I tell her I loved her and never forgot about her? 

"How do I tell you I still love you?"

Maybe I was going about this all wrong.

After collecting myself and some materials for the class I headed back, this time Lorelai was no longer in her chair. Through the entire lecture I hope she would bless me with her presence, but she never did. 

I passed out some sheets, "those are websites that have extra help when my office is not open, or every day while I can't help you. My homework for you, write me paragraph, "this is what makes me me?" I will see you all next Saturday. Good day guys." 

I watched as all the kids walked out, some parents with the other kids. I watched Angeline, she was staying back hoovering. 

"Everything ok Angeline?"

Her dark gray eyes turned my way, she looked like she wasn't sure of how to release the words that were trying to escape her tongue. 

"You can say anything you want Angeline, we are a no.."

"No judgement zone, yeah I know." she folded the papers in her hand, she seemed nervous. "How did you really do it? get to where you are?" 

I took a deep breath, "It took more than just my will to keep moving forward, it took my new friends and family that I had found to get through it." I didn't tell her I was a run away, and I conceived a rapist child. That will be for another time. "It takes a village to get through hard times."

"Ok..." she was starting to walk away. 

"Lorelai is the one person who will always be there no matter what, trust me on that."

"Was she the one you made a promise too?"

I nodded, "she made me want to be better." I saw a smile creep on her face, "If I could change back time, I would give anything for me to have stayed with her, she's a keeper Angeline, don't lose her." 

"I'm not good at all of that, I don't know how to keep people.. I'm always the bad child.." she looked down at her shoes, ashamed. "I'm always the one who they want to send back because they don't want me..."

"We are not all perfect," I walked towards her and laid a hand on her shoulder, "do you feel like you want to be better? do you feel like the next step is changing your life? do you want to make someone out of you? be a lawyer, or a dentist or a doctor, or even have a normal job like everyone in the city? do you want to feel like your in control of you life?" 

She nodded, "I want to be independent."

"Let others teach you how independence works before you go out there and fall face first. You have Lorelai who wants to help you, let her help you be independent. Don't make it hard on your life, when it doesn't have to be." 

"How do I?"

"Try letting her in your life, be open to things, talk to her, maybe not open about your whole life, maybe one day you will want to share more than just a dinning table. The words will come out at the right time when you allow yourself to let her in. Trust her just a little bit, trust that she won't give up on you." I saw other kids lingering in the room, "understand she wants to help you, don't shut her out, try to let her in here...." I motion for her heart. "Baby steps Angeline, trust that she wants to help you." 

"Ok..." 

Because she helped me.

I watched as she walked out, her shoulder were a little slumped but I really do hope she starts to understand we are all here to help her.

I stayed longer than expected with two other kids who had a similar problem unsure of how to trust the person they were with, or how to go on about leaving drugs.