Dream On Fire

(22) Sorry for not being what you might expect...

I never thought I would ever find out something new about the old me...

I thought I knew everything... I thought I was clear with who I was and how I looked...
I was certain...

I was...

Until...

Yesterday...

I was cleaning my computer from all the junk in it since I needed to work on my iMovie video but, I had so much stuff that iMovie couldn't be opened anymore. I decided that it was about time to clean my computer and clear out things I still need and things I don't...

I was starting of with just pictures and videos I found some really old ones. The oldest ones were from two years ago. The thing that kept my attention was that there were so many pictures with friends, I was smiling...
I was smiling without being worried about how I looked...

I showed my face without filters... I was glad to show my own body when having a pool party with friends...

When did my mind decide to notice my sudden weight gain and my face full of pimples? Was I always like that? Well... apparently yes, but I never took notice... I was so... innocent? Innocent from the pain my own mind could do towards me...

When "hurting" myself with all this mean comments only I COULD HEAR I never thought about how people viewed me... I just thought of how ugly and disappointing I am...

I currently love myself... not fully but enough for me to not care about that hurtful part of the brain that only once three months is able to win the battle... I feel happier now...

I never noticed how people could have viewed me until yesterday...

I believe people (to which I include me) judge other people secretly... we don't mean to but we do... we automatically caracterice a person as beautiful, ugly, ok and so on...

I'm not saying that the "ugly" people are "UGLY" I'm just saying that they are not as stereotypically beautiful as I hoped...

I know it's wrong to think like that so... I try not to... I don't judge to never try to be friends with a certain person I just caracterice their face by what I see...

That's what I did when I met you... I saw you handsome...

Don't get me wrong, I still do...

I just... I just viewed it in another way... I was putting myself in your place...
or I thought I was...
I don't know how you feel towards me but my first thought were...

"I get it! I know why no one has ever liked me... Pimples? YEAH! Most probably that and my weight! Am I not skinny enough... there's nothing bad with being a little curvy but... you used to date a super skinny girl didn't you? Or at least that's what they told me... I won't say who and to be honest I'm not sure either but... she's so skinny. Who wouldn't love her? Her face is so pretty too! She has the cutest and most marked dimples when she smiles, she looks so good... and... I never looked anything like that... I'm sorry I can't be like her... I'm... sorry that I like my body how it is and I can't change either how I look... so I guess I'm not sorry but I just hope that (if you did date her) whatever you saw on her you could... maybe see something else in me... something that made me unique in your eyes..."