Dream On Fire

(39) Changed...

Do you think I have changed?

Well, I do feel like I have... I fear much more things than before and I have different feelings for certain things that I never even thought about.

When people try to scare me from behind or something I do get scared when, I used to not get scared.
When I present not many things changed, my voice still sounds powerful and fearless but inside my jacket pockets there are my hands shaking in fear.
When I was little I used to not care at all if I sang in front of everyone like a cat being crashed by a huge elefante or something like that but now... even with singing classes I start shaking so much. I think I fear public speaking- more like public everything! When being in big crowds I get scared and start shaking from the hands and sometimes my voice but you won't notice that unless I sing. If I sing I might sound good but my voice shakes, my right leg starts shaking and let's not mention one more time my poor hands. When paying for stuff such as a little chocolate bar in a seven eleven (little store) I get nervous and just get to the point of what I want to buy, I won't try to make conversation with the employee because if I do there's the huge possibility I end up making things more awkward than what they already are.

My clothes likings have changed. I don't go looking for clothes that will hide my fat... or hide anything I hated about myself.

Another change I recently saw (that I can call good) is that I went from almost being 57kg to 51.9 and I'm happy about that.
I'm not saying I don't like curvy girls but... it never fitted my body or any part of myself...

I recently hear much more calming and soothing music than before, I mean, of course I still listen some party music and stuff to hipe me up or for "parties" if I ever go to one but I like to listen to something almost sleep like music when I can and feel like it.

I've recently noticed I like hugs and all those clingy things you do with your mom like hugging each other and watching a movie or just being hugged (cuddled? Is that a correct meaning?) I don't know but I guess you get what I mean... but... I don't say this to, basically anyone because I still like my personal space and don't shan't for everyone to just feel like they can hug me... I mean I will still feel happy with the hug but that's another thing that changed from me... now I'm more self conscious of things and I hate it!!! Like, why can't I hugs I guy-friend?

Ok answer that:
Because he's a boy... I know I shouldn't care... and deep inside I don't... if I guy friend hugs me I won't mind, or for the most part I won't, until I start seeing other people's faces and then...

I just feel like I've becomes a really dependent person over peoples opinions.

Would it feel awkward to say the next thing?

I guess this whole book is already awkward as it is so here it goes:

If I never ask you... or even if I did... would you hug me? Is it weird I'm craving to hug you? Just a normal hug... a friendly hug... that hug you never want to forget but that just last like the whole entire world stoped even thought it might have been 0.00005 seconds or something like that...

When you leave school... before you go.. can I hug you?

Finally another thing I think has changed from me is the way I view life, it sounds weird but it's kind of like a change from 'me being in selfies or in pictures in general' to 'finding beautiful things in pictures that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me'...

I think you might already have an idea but I'll still say it:

Yes, that's also the reason why I've been posting more about my trips and people around me or nature or... whatever instead of selfies of mine or me and friends... maybe from now on I'll just take pictures of friends and caption them as: "a night with friends" "movie with friends" "trip with family" or whatever...

I guess that's what I've realized for know of what I've changed... and in a way I'm happy for it...
did I mention I'm more open now with you? Oh wait... that's a work in progress... guess I'll continue imagining you'll ever read this... someday...